The global economy is on the verge of a new - and deeper - jobs recession which may ignite social unrest on a worldwide scale, the International Labour Organization has warned. Not only that, but according to Maxwell's Second Law of Thermodynamics the universe is gradually slowing down and will, eventually, collapse inwardly upon itself, under the laws of entropy when all of its thermal and mechanical functions stop. Thus rendering all of human endeavour and achievement, ultimately, pointless. And, on that cheery though, here's yer latest batch of Keith Telly Topping's actual Top TV news:
Bet you never knew that the first word yer actual Keith Telly Topping said as a child was 'bleak', did you, dear blog reader? Well, you do now.
Well-known horrorshow (and drag) Nancy Dell'Olio became the fourth celebrity (or, to be most exact, the first 'alleged clebrity') to leave this year's Strictly Come Dancing. The 'lawyer and entrepreneur' - it says here - who has received the lowest score from the judges every week since the show began, was finally eliminated along with her partner, Anton du Beke, after the competition's Hallow'een special. Audley Harrison and Natalie Lowe also finished in the bottom two but were ahead of Dell'Olio when viewer votes were combined with the judging panel's verdict.
Alesha Dixon had told Dell'Olio on Saturday evening's show that she is 'a walking disaster.' Which, coming from a waste-of-space like Dixon who has no obvious talent in any walk of life must've been a right kick in the naughty bits for poor old Nance. Dell'Olio and Anton du Beke finished at the bottom of the leaderboard yer again after their disastrous Hallow'een rumba was 'blasted' - that's tabloid-speak for 'criticised' only with less syllables - by the judges. Dixon was the strongest critic on the panel, claiming that it would have been better if Dell'Olio had remained in the stage prop coffin for the whole routine. 'I think you're a sexy woman and you know how to work it but I have to be honest, you are a walking disaster,' said the not-very-good singer and former Strictly champion. 'Your legs are so far apart and that's not very feminine. It was very ploddy.' That's not what Sven used to say. Allegedly. But we're probably best to steer clear of Nancy having her legs open. Oh no, very hot water. Dixon's criticism wasn't just confined to Dell'Olio, however; 'And the lift, Anton the lift was so unflattering. You both should have stayed in the coffin.' If I'd've been du Beke, personally, I'd've said 'I'm a professional dancer, Miss Dixon. I don't know what the fuck you are.' Tragically, he didn't. Craig Revel Horwood was, for once, upstaged in the critique and merely described it a 'dance horribilis' whilst Bruno Tonioli described his fellow Italian, Dell'Olio, was a 'zombie of Bond Street.' Head judge Len Goodman added the final twist of the knife: 'There were moments of Mills and Boon and moments of Meals on Wheels.' For their final dance together Dell'Olio and Du Beke left the show to the curious strains of a rather piss-poor cover version of The Specials' 'Ghost Town.' Too much fighting on the dance floor, indeed.
And, speaking of horrorshows (and reaping), Louis Walsh is reportedly considering replacing Tulisa Contostavlos with Cheryl Cole on The X Factor after Simon Cowell has ordered him to 'refresh' the panel. That is, of course, if The Heaton Horror would even consider coming back to the show which she flounced out of in high dudgeon earlier in the year. Tabloid claims suggest that Cowell has tasked the veteran judge with reversing the show's 'disastrous' ratings crash (see yesterday's blog for a bit of analysis and context to this), apparently giving him forty eight hours to decide if Contostavlos, Kelly Rowland or Gary Barlow will be 'axed.'
Although, tragically, not with a real axe, it would seem. 'Simon will do anything to turn the show around,' an alleged 'source' allegedly told the Mirra. An alleged newspaper. 'It's no coincidence that as soon as the new team came in the viewers fell off. He thinks the only way to save he show is to get rid of some of the panel. Louis and Simon are best friends. Louis is his eyes and ears in the show, Simon's man on the ground, so he is the best-placed person to decide who gets the chop.' ITV have, of course, denied that Walsh is doing any such thing or anything even remotely like it. Time will tell. It usually does. So, if by Wednesday The X Factor hasn't announced any changes to its judging line-up then either the Mirra is lying, or they've been lied to by their alleged 'source.' If, indeed, he or she, actually exists. Which is unlikely. The Daily Scum Mail, meanwhile, said in relation to The X Factor being beaten in the overnight ratings by Strictly on Saturday, presumably, through gritted teeth: 'Despite the ITV show's dwindling audience, a source close to Cowell insisted: "Simon says it's good to have some healthy competition." He says "good on the BBC, well done, them."' Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a made-up quote too. 
The Sun, meanwhile, went straight of the jugular: 'Shell-shocked producers made a series of late-night SOS calls to show supremo Cowell — believing his return is the only thing that can return it to its ratings dominance. And an exclusive poll for the Sun proves audiences agree with them — and that bosses are right to fear for the show's future [their italics, not mine]. A shock fifty five per cent of X Factor viewers surveyed said the show should be AXED after the current series is over.' Oh well, that's it then, they might as well all go home now if they've lost the Sun!
It's not been a good few days for Mr Cowell, frankly. In the Metro, Neil Sean also claims that FOX is 'less than happy' with the US X Factor's ratings of 'a mere' 11.6m, which 'is half of what American Idol gets.' However, Neil was assured that 'we are hopeful they will rise,' by a FOX 'insider.' Allegedly.
Sophie Habibis's dreams of stardom and wealth beyond the imagining of avarice (followed, a year later, by being back working on the tills at Tescos) have been shattered as she was unceremoniously booted off The X Factor on Sunday. Sophie's rendition of the XX's 'Shelter' was not enough to ensure her survival. On Saturday, her performance of Sonny Bono's 'Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)' was dubbed 'dull as dishwater' by judge Gary Barlow on the Halloween themed version of the ITV contest. And, as when Alesha Dixon criticises somebody, when Gary Barlow calls you 'dull', that's really got to hurt. But, Sophie has reportedly refused to blame Kelly Rowland for her surprise X Factor exit. Habibis told the Digital Spy website that the Destiny's Child singer was 'an inspiration' to work alongside and dismissed accusations that Rowland had neglected her acts. 'As much as everyone said that she didn't talk to us and that she wasn't there, she really was,' Habibis claimed.
Several national newspapers, notably the Metro, had rather gone to town on Monday morning with stories of how viewers had appeared to 'punish' Rowland for missing the episode due to alleged ill-health. 'Sick X Factor judge Kelly Rowland phoned in to vote on Sunday's results show, but fans on Twitter were rather disbelieving of her excuse and claimed that she was to blame for acts Misha B and Sophie Habibis being in the bottom two,' they said. Their supporting evidence for this? Twitter. As though, once again, Twitter is now the sole sodding Arbiter of All Things. 'She had time for all of us. I want to give her praise, because she's such a good mentor. She really helped me a lot,' said Habibis. Rowland missed this week's X Factor live shows supposedly with a throat infection. Even a few celebrities got in on the kicking. Chat show host Jonathan Ross tweeted: 'Kelly Rowland is delivering the least believable sick voice I have ever heard. She's clearly not ill.' This Morning presenter Holly Willoughby seemed to think she was being incredibly clever and witty when she added: 'She was like the dude from Inspector Gadget!' That's a porn film, isn't it? Many viewers suggested that they wanted Rowland to phone in sick for them the next time they fancied a day off, while the odious oily twat Piers Morgan said: 'I think someone needs to politely explain to Kelly Rowland that quaint old showbiz phrase "the show must go on." Sick My Arse.' Which might be true but could somebody also explain to Piers Morgan that nobody likes you. Because you're a twat. Speaking about coping without her mentor this weekend, Habibis said: 'It was tough. It was tougher than I thought it would be. My main concern was Kelly's health and I want her to be well and better. I don't want her flying over when she's not well. The thing is that we all need to be able to do this on our own. I can't always have Kelly there in my life. I need to support myself and do it myself as well.' The nineteen-year-old added: 'I think what's meant to be is meant to be. It wasn't Kelly's fault. It just happened. You've just got to deal with it.'
Whilst all of this was going on, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self was watching a documentary by Fiona Bruce (and her hardest working ass on TV) on Leonardo Da Vinci on BBC1, instead. Da Vinci: The Lost Treasure. And very good it was too.
Although, personally, I could've done with a wee bit more on my own personal favourite Da Vinci painting La Vierge, l'Enfant Jésus et Sainte Anne and a bit less on more familiar works.
And a few more shots of Fiona in that rather lovely yellow dress walking, seductively towards camera wouldn't have gone amiss either.
I don't know much about art, dear blog reader. But I know what I like.
Anyway, the television licence fee could be extended to cover catch-up services such as the BBC iPlayer as part of an overhaul of the levy being considered by the Department for Culture, Media and Sport. British viewers must pay for a £145.50 television licence if they watch or record TV programmes as they are broadcast, whether viewed via a television, computer, mobile phone or video games console. However, computer catch-up services such as the iPlayer – via which one hundred and fifty three million television and radio programmes were broadcast in September – do not require a specific licence. The issue is likely to intensify over the next year, as a rash of new Internet-enabled set-top boxes, including the BBC-backed YouView, are expected to launch. A number of industry experts have suggested that services such as YouView, which will bring iPlayer to the television set, will result in increasing numbers of viewers claiming not to watch television 'live' as it is transmitted, instead pulling popular BBC programmes such as Doctor Who, Top Gear and Strictly Come Dancing or ITV shows like The X Factor and Downton Abbey from broadcasters' own catch-up offerings. The Department for Culture, Media and Sport, says that it is considering changes to the licence fee. A spokesman said: 'Government is aware of developing technologies and the changing viewing habits of those who watch television programmes. How the BBC is funded as these issues evolve is a matter the department will need to address in the near future.'
The department would not comment on the changes it is considering, but the legislation governing the licence fee is contained within the Communications Act. The lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Hunt has already committed to a new communications bill within the current Parliament, and a green paper is expected to be published around Christmas. The vile and odious rascal Hunt said last year that the way the fee is collected may have to be rethought, but added: 'We are not going to introduce a PC licence fee.' The BBC insists that no changes are needed, pointing to its own research showing that only 0.2 per cent of households watch only catch-up television, with no live viewing, each week. A spokesman said: 'We believe the current system works very efficiently and do not see a need to change its scope at present.' However, research carried out by the BBC Trust in 2009, before services such as YouView were conceived, conceded that changes may be necessary. In its 2009 review of licence fee collection, the Trust wrote: 'It is not yet clear whether households are likely to switch to Internet streaming as the sole method of watching television, avoiding the use of a dedicated television set. It is clear, however, that this is happening in some segments – research for the BBC Executive shows that forty per cent of students in halls of residence use a laptop as their main way to watch TV. Households may also take the opportunity that Video on Demand presents to forgo live television entirely, although the pull of live events may act against this.'
The relaxation of TV product placement rules raised the possibility that regulars at Coronation Street's Rovers Return would be swapping their fictional Newton and Ridley ale for a pint of Boddingtons. However, the first product placement in the ITV soap will take a rather more mundane form, with a Nationwide Building Society cash machine appearing in Dev Alahan's corner shop next month. The ATM will replace an unbranded prop cash machine from Monday 14 November, and the building society will also have a branded sign outside the shop. The deal, thought to be for an initial period of four months, marks the first product placement in a UK primetime show. But it is hardly the deluge of brands being thrust on to viewers' screens that had been predicted in some quarters when product placement rules were relaxed by the media regulator Ofcom in February.
Product placement got off to a slow start, with only about half a dozen deals struck in the first six months, for daytime and weekend programming. They included ITV's first, with Nescafe featuring its Dolce Gusto coffee machine on This Morning. The slow start has been put down to factors including broadcasters being unfamiliar with the new rules and not wanting to fall foul of regulations which forbid product placement of junk food or alcoholic drinks and ban it altogether on children's and news programmes and in UK-produced current affairs, consumer affairs and religious shows. Nick Price, a branded content expert at the media buying agency MPG, which brokered Coronation Street's tie-up with Nationwide, said cracking a show such as the soap could mark a tipping point for a wave of new product placement deals. Gary Knight, the commercial content director at ITV, said: 'Editorial integrity remains at the heart of what we do as we continue to talk our clients about a number of product placement opportunities, spanning a range of programmes and channels.' Some forecasts estimated that the UK product placement market might rapidly grow to be worth up to one hundred million spondoolicks annually based on developments in the US, where brands have featured within TV shows for years. However, Ofcom was more circumspect, forecasting that it might be worth twenty five to thirty million wonga annually within a few years. The organisation's regulations state that product placement must be editorially justified, not gratuitously added to a storyline or scene, there must not be any 'undue prominence' given to the product and that a small letter P must be shown on screen to alert viewers to the existence of a product.
Helen Flanagan has revealed why she has quit ITV soap Coronation Street. The actress has played the role of Rosie Webster since 2000 but earlier this month it was announced she was quitting the Manchester based soap.
The news came after the actress reportedly suffered a series of panic attacks on the set and her decision to quit was linked to those attacks in several tabloid stories. However, in a new interview with Hello magazine the actress reveals the real reason why she decided to quit Corrie. 'I didn't enjoy playing her when she went through a promiscuous phase. I'd always felt I would leave by the time I was twenty one, but when I made up my mind, it wasn't even as if I had a choice. I just knew instinctively. After twelve years playing Rosie, it is time to be myself.'
Mathew Horne refused to be interviewed for a programme about James Corden it has been claimed. Oily twat Piers Morgan revealed on Life Stories that the actor declined to make an appearance. The Gavin & Stacey pair became best friends for a time, but split up their partnership after their utterly risible eponymous BBC3 sketch show and their wretched movie Lesbian Vampire Killers were both panned by critics.
Morgan told Corden: 'We asked him to take part in this programme, and he chose not to.' Corden, appeared slightly uncomfortable but responded: 'I didn't know that,' before adding, 'But I can understand why. Because it's a hard time to talk about. And I still hope one day we can do something together, again. It won't be a TV show or a sketch show.' Plus, you know, maybe he just doesn't like you anymore.
And, speaking of unfunny double acts, David Walliams has reportedly been approached to join both The Voice and Britain's Got Talent. The Little Britain comedian has repeatedly been linked to the ITV talent show and rumours of his involvement escalated following Michael McIntyre's decision to quit the judging panel last month. However, the People reports that the BBC has attempted to 'snare' Walliams away from ITV, apparently offering him 'a fortune' to host the upcoming talent contest.
'The stations are at loggerheads,' an alleged 'source' allegedly claimed. 'David can't believe it and finds it very flattering. He thinks The Voice is one of the biggest events around the world and being the face of it is tempting. But David also loves Britain's Got Talent. He has a lot of experience and he knows about quality talent acts. David is more tempted by the BBC as Simon Cowell's shows seem more about in-fighting than talent these days. The Voice is with the panel turning their backs to judge contestants on their voices alone. But David would be head judge on Britain's Got Talent whereas he would just be presenting The Voice,' claimed the source. 'He just has to make a decision.'
Saint Bob's daughter Peaches Geldof, according to the Metro's Green Room gossip column has told 'pals' that she won't be going shopping alone again after the latest incident of alleged shoplifting.
And, again, we ask the most important question here, does anyone, anywhere still use the word 'pal' as anything other than a dismissive pejorative or an term of ironic and casual disdain. 'Are you looking at me, pal?' and the like. Anyway: 'I am scared to just even look into a shop window now,' Peaches confesses. Probably a good idea to pay somebody to do your shopping for you in that case, m'love. it's not like you're short of cash, nor nothing.
Not since Rory Cellan-Jones was a utility cub reporter, freezing his nuts off by militant firefighters' braziers and forced to schlep to Heathrow daily to quiz strike-hit queuers, has the BBC's technology correspondent had such a bad day at work. Last week Rory began to phone in a report to Radio 4's The World at One on Wednesday, but after a burst of excited burbling there was nothing but silence; he later tweeted that his 'career hit a new low in a toilet on a South West train between Woking and Winchester' due to 'non-existent 3G.' Adding to the poignancy, or perhaps comedy, was the event he was covering: the Nokia phone launch. Let's hope the poor chap picked up something more reliable at the event.
Occupy London activists have lodged a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission about national newspaper claims that their encampment was unoccupied overnight. The story, originally broken in the Torygraph on Tuesday, purported to prove using high-tech thermal imaging equipment that ninety per cent of tents at the site were left empty overnight. A video shot by the Torygraph and posted on their website showed row upon row of dark coloured tents outside St Paul's, while those walking around the encampment appeared on camera brightly illuminated. The story – which was followed up on the front page of The Times under the headline, St Paul's 11:12, just one protest tent is occupied and also in the Daily Scum Express and on the Daily Scum Mail's website – was cited in condemnation of protesters in parliament. It drew calls from City of London councillors that the campsite was a 'phantom protest.' The Gruniad has also learned that similar claims of unoccupied tents were used in a City of London document to set out the case for the camps eviction. The PCC complaint over accuracy was prompted when activists from the camp decided to hire the exact same thermal camera – the FLIR P60 – from the same Surrey-based Thermal Imaging Ltd company used by the newspapers and repeated the experiment on Thursday night. In a series of experiments witnessed by the Gruniad, activists discovered that it is virtually impossible to 'see' inside tents using the camera as there is not enough of a heat signature which seeps out of the tents for the camera to pick up despite adjusting contrast settings. Even with six people inside a standard two person tent the thermal camera showed a blacked-out shelter until activists reemerged into the open. They then produced a video which they posted on Youtube.
An activist at the camp - who said that he wanted to be known simply as James - claimed that he had hired the camera because he felt the claims were untrue. 'When we pointed the camera at tents we found that people show up very brightly when they're outside but as soon as they get inside the tents, it is as if they disappear. That made us question all of the controversy surrounding the claims that so many protesters are not staying in the camps. I wanted to do [the experiment] to expose the lies around people's commitment to the camp. There were a lot of people putting a lot of time into making this encampment work and they were facing a constant barrage of hostility from certain parts of the media.' He added that they knew it was the same camera as used by the Torygraph because the newspaper footage was still on the camera when they hired it. All of which is very interesting and anything which exposes the frequent and pernicious lies told in newspapers for all political stripes has this blogger's complete support. But, I must say, it's a bit odd to hear people who are supposedly protesting about Big Business using the methods of Big Business to make their point. I'm reminded of that line in The Young Ones when Rik says that he's going to write to his MP. Vyvyan points out that Rik claims to be an anarchist therefore, surely, he doesn't have an MP which, of course, forces Rik, instead, to write to 'the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen.' ('Dear Mr Echo...'). Perhaps a more obvious example of this odd dichotomy can be found in one of the main and most visual symbols of the current 'Occupy' protest - the semi-ubiquitous V For Vendetta Guido Fawkes masks being worn at many protests on the streets of London, New York, Rome et al. Okay, they're a very interesting symbolic image, particularly when you take into consideration the plot of the comic (and film) from which they come which is about protest in all its forms. However, the irony of the fact that the masks are copywrite of - and the profits from their sale go to - one of the biggest multinational corporations in the world - Time Warner - surely can't be lost on anyone? You're either part of the solution or you're part of the problem.
McLaren boss Martin Whitmarsh is - bizarrely - pinning some of the blame for Lewis Hamilton's string of clashes with Felipe Massa on Jenson Button's impressive form. Isn't that a bit like saying the reason Moscow Chelski FC have gotten beat twice this week is because Sheikh Yer Man City are better than them? Curious logic, I'd've said. Hamilton and Massa collided again during Sunday's Indian Grand Prix as Button finished second behind winner Sebastian Vettel. 'Lewis, the great, exciting driver that he is, will not like being beaten by Jenson,' said Whitmarsh. 'For any driver, the first driver you want to beat is your team-mate.' Hamilton, the 2008 world champion, came home a very disappointing seventh in India after his chances of a podium finish were ruined by a crash whilst trying to pass Massa on lap twenty four. Massa was adjudged to be in the wrong, receiving a drive-through penalty before retiring later in the race after hitting a kerb and damaging the front suspension on his Ferrari. Button, meanwhile, finished a strong runner-up behind world champion Vettel to consolidate his second place in the overall championship, thirty eight points ahead of fellow Briton Hamilton, who is fifth behind Ferrari's Fernando Alonso and Red Bull's Mark Webber. Button, the 2009 world champion, has recorded three wins and been on the podium ten times this season. Hamilton has scored two victories of his own but has had far few podium finishes and has also picked up six penalties, including a three-place grid drop in India for ignoring caution flags. McLaren team principal Whitmarsh added: 'Lewis will be feeling under pressure because of the great performances from Jenson at the moment. I don't want him to enjoy being beaten by his team-mate. I want him to try to beat Jenson, just as I want Jenson to try to beat Lewis.' 
Whitmarsh added that he felt Massa was also struggling to come to terms with the dominant form of Ferrari team-mate Alonso. 'Felipe is under enormous pressure within that team and that causes him to react,' he said. Hamilton, who recently split with long-time girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger, has suffered a number of disappointments this season. The fact that he's not longer getting any from Nicole Scherzinger being, one would suggest, one of the biggest ones. Asked whether he felt Hamilton had been 'too hard on himself,' Whitmarsh replied: 'Yes, I do frankly.' Although, without Nicole Scherzinger's presence one might imagine that Hamilton 'being hard on himself' may prove someone more challenging than usual. 'I have told him on several occasions, "Don't apologise, you're a racing driver. If you've made a mistake, accept it, learn from it and move on." He is very analytical. He's very serious about trying to do the best job he can. He's much too hard on himself but I've known Lewis for a long, long time and he has always been like that since he was in karts. That's his way, that's his psychology and that's how he motivates himself. 
His body language this weekend has been much more positive than for the last races. He has all the skills. We saw him qualify and race fantastically at the last race [in Korea, where he finished second] and qualify fantastically here. It can change.' The latest clash between Hamilton and Massa came on lap twenty four of the race at the Buddah International Circuit. The two touched as Hamilton dived down the inside of his Brazilian rival at Turn Five. The nose of Hamilton's car was damaged in the incident, forcing him to pit, but Massa managed to continue. The pair had previously touched wheels in both Monaco and Singapore, resulting in a drive-through penalty for the McLaren star on each occasion. Hamilton, who pipped Massa to the world title in 2008, has admitted the relationship between the two drivers is not good - but Whitmarsh rejected suggestions that he and Ferrari should organise a meeting to clear the air. 'They are men, they've got to figure it out for themselves,' said the McLaren chief, who said he had spoken to Ferrari about the pair.
Cher Lloyd has admitted that the reaction she received during and following her time on The X Factor nearly made her quit her music career altogether. Which comes as a considerable surprise to those of us who never realised she's started in the first place.
The U2 Group's Mr Adam Clayton (one of The Other Two) has admitted that living with frontman Mr Bonio out of The U2 Group was 'very hard.' The bassist shared a house with Mr Bonio out of The U2 Group and Mr Larry Mullen (the other one of The Other Two) in Los Angeles in 1987. Clayton told Q: 'It was a mad house. I think Bono drove us mad. It's very hard to live with Bono. It was a house that was due to be demolished and was built in blocks around a pool. We each had a bedroom and living area; it was basically a commune.' The fifty one-year-old added: 
'Bono would find all these things to do late at night, all these underground clubs.' Guitarist Mr The Edge out of the U2 Group chose to live away from the rest of the band to focus on work. 'It was a strange time for me - things weren't going great at home,' Mr Claypole of The U2 Group explained. 'Then up the road, the others. People were really enjoying the fact they were in a rock band that was a big success. It was like being in a candy store - a lot of partying, a relatively hedonistic time. It was more of a refuge for me, I was throwing myself into work.' Mr Bonio out of the U2 Group was unavailable for comment. Which is jolly unusual as you can seldom shut the bugger up. On just about any subject.
The bookmaker Paddy Power has muscled in on DQF, offering punters generous looking odds of six-to-one that 'BBC bigwigs' will have a change of heart on its proposed local radio cuts after a 'stellar' performance in last week's Rajar listening figures. 'Whilst Radio 4, which is being protected from major cuts, has seen just a slight rise in audience, it is clear many people find BBC local radio a turn-on,' said the bookie. Lord Patten please take note. Paddy Power has spoken.
Woof!
A US man has been hospitalised after claiming to have severed his arm in a homemade guillotine. Professionals at a urology clinic in Bellingham, Washington contacted police on Thursday after the man showed that his right arm had been sliced off above the elbow.
One imagines that might, conceivably, have hurt a bit. Police told the Bellingham Herald that officers searched the area surrounding the clinic for the severed limb, eventually discovering it at a transient camp along with an elaborate handcrafted guillotine. The appendage was sent to a medical centre in Seattle, to which the man had been airlifted, in the hope that it could be reattached. The unidentified patient is currently believed to be in 'a serious condition' in an intensive care unit. Authorities believe that the injury was 'self-inflicted.'
A ninety two-year-old woman was refused service at an off-licence because she was unable to prove she was over eighteen. Diane Taylor, who is a great-grandmother, was unable to provide photo identification at a One Stop Shop in Essex while trying to purchase some alcohol for her son.
'It seemed so stupid, I thought the cashier was complimenting me,' Taylor told the Mirra. 'But then I realised that she was being serious so I pulled out my bus pass, my blood donor's card but it was no good, she said she wanted proof of age. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to do.' Errr... never shop there again, perhaps? Taylor said that she refused to believe she looked under the age of twenty five and has since received an apology from a spokesperson for One Stop Shop.
For this Hallow'een Keith Telly Toping's 45 of the Day here's one of Katie Bush's lesser works. But, very in keeping with the spirit of the day.
Well-known horrorshow (and drag) Nancy Dell'Olio became the fourth celebrity (or, to be most exact, the first 'alleged clebrity') to leave this year's Strictly Come Dancing. The 'lawyer and entrepreneur' - it says here - who has received the lowest score from the judges every week since the show began, was finally eliminated along with her partner, Anton du Beke, after the competition's Hallow'een special. Audley Harrison and Natalie Lowe also finished in the bottom two but were ahead of Dell'Olio when viewer votes were combined with the judging panel's verdict.
Alesha Dixon had told Dell'Olio on Saturday evening's show that she is 'a walking disaster.' Which, coming from a waste-of-space like Dixon who has no obvious talent in any walk of life must've been a right kick in the naughty bits for poor old Nance. Dell'Olio and Anton du Beke finished at the bottom of the leaderboard yer again after their disastrous Hallow'een rumba was 'blasted' - that's tabloid-speak for 'criticised' only with less syllables - by the judges. Dixon was the strongest critic on the panel, claiming that it would have been better if Dell'Olio had remained in the stage prop coffin for the whole routine. 'I think you're a sexy woman and you know how to work it but I have to be honest, you are a walking disaster,' said the not-very-good singer and former Strictly champion. 'Your legs are so far apart and that's not very feminine. It was very ploddy.' That's not what Sven used to say. Allegedly. But we're probably best to steer clear of Nancy having her legs open. Oh no, very hot water. Dixon's criticism wasn't just confined to Dell'Olio, however; 'And the lift, Anton the lift was so unflattering. You both should have stayed in the coffin.' If I'd've been du Beke, personally, I'd've said 'I'm a professional dancer, Miss Dixon. I don't know what the fuck you are.' Tragically, he didn't. Craig Revel Horwood was, for once, upstaged in the critique and merely described it a 'dance horribilis' whilst Bruno Tonioli described his fellow Italian, Dell'Olio, was a 'zombie of Bond Street.' Head judge Len Goodman added the final twist of the knife: 'There were moments of Mills and Boon and moments of Meals on Wheels.' For their final dance together Dell'Olio and Du Beke left the show to the curious strains of a rather piss-poor cover version of The Specials' 'Ghost Town.' Too much fighting on the dance floor, indeed.And, speaking of horrorshows (and reaping), Louis Walsh is reportedly considering replacing Tulisa Contostavlos with Cheryl Cole on The X Factor after Simon Cowell has ordered him to 'refresh' the panel. That is, of course, if The Heaton Horror would even consider coming back to the show which she flounced out of in high dudgeon earlier in the year. Tabloid claims suggest that Cowell has tasked the veteran judge with reversing the show's 'disastrous' ratings crash (see yesterday's blog for a bit of analysis and context to this), apparently giving him forty eight hours to decide if Contostavlos, Kelly Rowland or Gary Barlow will be 'axed.'
Although, tragically, not with a real axe, it would seem. 'Simon will do anything to turn the show around,' an alleged 'source' allegedly told the Mirra. An alleged newspaper. 'It's no coincidence that as soon as the new team came in the viewers fell off. He thinks the only way to save he show is to get rid of some of the panel. Louis and Simon are best friends. Louis is his eyes and ears in the show, Simon's man on the ground, so he is the best-placed person to decide who gets the chop.' ITV have, of course, denied that Walsh is doing any such thing or anything even remotely like it. Time will tell. It usually does. So, if by Wednesday The X Factor hasn't announced any changes to its judging line-up then either the Mirra is lying, or they've been lied to by their alleged 'source.' If, indeed, he or she, actually exists. Which is unlikely. The Daily Scum Mail, meanwhile, said in relation to The X Factor being beaten in the overnight ratings by Strictly on Saturday, presumably, through gritted teeth: 'Despite the ITV show's dwindling audience, a source close to Cowell insisted: "Simon says it's good to have some healthy competition." He says "good on the BBC, well done, them."' Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a made-up quote too. 
The Sun, meanwhile, went straight of the jugular: 'Shell-shocked producers made a series of late-night SOS calls to show supremo Cowell — believing his return is the only thing that can return it to its ratings dominance. And an exclusive poll for the Sun proves audiences agree with them — and that bosses are right to fear for the show's future [their italics, not mine]. A shock fifty five per cent of X Factor viewers surveyed said the show should be AXED after the current series is over.' Oh well, that's it then, they might as well all go home now if they've lost the Sun!It's not been a good few days for Mr Cowell, frankly. In the Metro, Neil Sean also claims that FOX is 'less than happy' with the US X Factor's ratings of 'a mere' 11.6m, which 'is half of what American Idol gets.' However, Neil was assured that 'we are hopeful they will rise,' by a FOX 'insider.' Allegedly.
Sophie Habibis's dreams of stardom and wealth beyond the imagining of avarice (followed, a year later, by being back working on the tills at Tescos) have been shattered as she was unceremoniously booted off The X Factor on Sunday. Sophie's rendition of the XX's 'Shelter' was not enough to ensure her survival. On Saturday, her performance of Sonny Bono's 'Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)' was dubbed 'dull as dishwater' by judge Gary Barlow on the Halloween themed version of the ITV contest. And, as when Alesha Dixon criticises somebody, when Gary Barlow calls you 'dull', that's really got to hurt. But, Sophie has reportedly refused to blame Kelly Rowland for her surprise X Factor exit. Habibis told the Digital Spy website that the Destiny's Child singer was 'an inspiration' to work alongside and dismissed accusations that Rowland had neglected her acts. 'As much as everyone said that she didn't talk to us and that she wasn't there, she really was,' Habibis claimed.
Several national newspapers, notably the Metro, had rather gone to town on Monday morning with stories of how viewers had appeared to 'punish' Rowland for missing the episode due to alleged ill-health. 'Sick X Factor judge Kelly Rowland phoned in to vote on Sunday's results show, but fans on Twitter were rather disbelieving of her excuse and claimed that she was to blame for acts Misha B and Sophie Habibis being in the bottom two,' they said. Their supporting evidence for this? Twitter. As though, once again, Twitter is now the sole sodding Arbiter of All Things. 'She had time for all of us. I want to give her praise, because she's such a good mentor. She really helped me a lot,' said Habibis. Rowland missed this week's X Factor live shows supposedly with a throat infection. Even a few celebrities got in on the kicking. Chat show host Jonathan Ross tweeted: 'Kelly Rowland is delivering the least believable sick voice I have ever heard. She's clearly not ill.' This Morning presenter Holly Willoughby seemed to think she was being incredibly clever and witty when she added: 'She was like the dude from Inspector Gadget!' That's a porn film, isn't it? Many viewers suggested that they wanted Rowland to phone in sick for them the next time they fancied a day off, while the odious oily twat Piers Morgan said: 'I think someone needs to politely explain to Kelly Rowland that quaint old showbiz phrase "the show must go on." Sick My Arse.' Which might be true but could somebody also explain to Piers Morgan that nobody likes you. Because you're a twat. Speaking about coping without her mentor this weekend, Habibis said: 'It was tough. It was tougher than I thought it would be. My main concern was Kelly's health and I want her to be well and better. I don't want her flying over when she's not well. The thing is that we all need to be able to do this on our own. I can't always have Kelly there in my life. I need to support myself and do it myself as well.' The nineteen-year-old added: 'I think what's meant to be is meant to be. It wasn't Kelly's fault. It just happened. You've just got to deal with it.'Whilst all of this was going on, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self was watching a documentary by Fiona Bruce (and her hardest working ass on TV) on Leonardo Da Vinci on BBC1, instead. Da Vinci: The Lost Treasure. And very good it was too.
Anyway, the television licence fee could be extended to cover catch-up services such as the BBC iPlayer as part of an overhaul of the levy being considered by the Department for Culture, Media and Sport. British viewers must pay for a £145.50 television licence if they watch or record TV programmes as they are broadcast, whether viewed via a television, computer, mobile phone or video games console. However, computer catch-up services such as the iPlayer – via which one hundred and fifty three million television and radio programmes were broadcast in September – do not require a specific licence. The issue is likely to intensify over the next year, as a rash of new Internet-enabled set-top boxes, including the BBC-backed YouView, are expected to launch. A number of industry experts have suggested that services such as YouView, which will bring iPlayer to the television set, will result in increasing numbers of viewers claiming not to watch television 'live' as it is transmitted, instead pulling popular BBC programmes such as Doctor Who, Top Gear and Strictly Come Dancing or ITV shows like The X Factor and Downton Abbey from broadcasters' own catch-up offerings. The Department for Culture, Media and Sport, says that it is considering changes to the licence fee. A spokesman said: 'Government is aware of developing technologies and the changing viewing habits of those who watch television programmes. How the BBC is funded as these issues evolve is a matter the department will need to address in the near future.'
The department would not comment on the changes it is considering, but the legislation governing the licence fee is contained within the Communications Act. The lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Hunt has already committed to a new communications bill within the current Parliament, and a green paper is expected to be published around Christmas. The vile and odious rascal Hunt said last year that the way the fee is collected may have to be rethought, but added: 'We are not going to introduce a PC licence fee.' The BBC insists that no changes are needed, pointing to its own research showing that only 0.2 per cent of households watch only catch-up television, with no live viewing, each week. A spokesman said: 'We believe the current system works very efficiently and do not see a need to change its scope at present.' However, research carried out by the BBC Trust in 2009, before services such as YouView were conceived, conceded that changes may be necessary. In its 2009 review of licence fee collection, the Trust wrote: 'It is not yet clear whether households are likely to switch to Internet streaming as the sole method of watching television, avoiding the use of a dedicated television set. It is clear, however, that this is happening in some segments – research for the BBC Executive shows that forty per cent of students in halls of residence use a laptop as their main way to watch TV. Households may also take the opportunity that Video on Demand presents to forgo live television entirely, although the pull of live events may act against this.'The relaxation of TV product placement rules raised the possibility that regulars at Coronation Street's Rovers Return would be swapping their fictional Newton and Ridley ale for a pint of Boddingtons. However, the first product placement in the ITV soap will take a rather more mundane form, with a Nationwide Building Society cash machine appearing in Dev Alahan's corner shop next month. The ATM will replace an unbranded prop cash machine from Monday 14 November, and the building society will also have a branded sign outside the shop. The deal, thought to be for an initial period of four months, marks the first product placement in a UK primetime show. But it is hardly the deluge of brands being thrust on to viewers' screens that had been predicted in some quarters when product placement rules were relaxed by the media regulator Ofcom in February.
Product placement got off to a slow start, with only about half a dozen deals struck in the first six months, for daytime and weekend programming. They included ITV's first, with Nescafe featuring its Dolce Gusto coffee machine on This Morning. The slow start has been put down to factors including broadcasters being unfamiliar with the new rules and not wanting to fall foul of regulations which forbid product placement of junk food or alcoholic drinks and ban it altogether on children's and news programmes and in UK-produced current affairs, consumer affairs and religious shows. Nick Price, a branded content expert at the media buying agency MPG, which brokered Coronation Street's tie-up with Nationwide, said cracking a show such as the soap could mark a tipping point for a wave of new product placement deals. Gary Knight, the commercial content director at ITV, said: 'Editorial integrity remains at the heart of what we do as we continue to talk our clients about a number of product placement opportunities, spanning a range of programmes and channels.' Some forecasts estimated that the UK product placement market might rapidly grow to be worth up to one hundred million spondoolicks annually based on developments in the US, where brands have featured within TV shows for years. However, Ofcom was more circumspect, forecasting that it might be worth twenty five to thirty million wonga annually within a few years. The organisation's regulations state that product placement must be editorially justified, not gratuitously added to a storyline or scene, there must not be any 'undue prominence' given to the product and that a small letter P must be shown on screen to alert viewers to the existence of a product.Helen Flanagan has revealed why she has quit ITV soap Coronation Street. The actress has played the role of Rosie Webster since 2000 but earlier this month it was announced she was quitting the Manchester based soap.
The news came after the actress reportedly suffered a series of panic attacks on the set and her decision to quit was linked to those attacks in several tabloid stories. However, in a new interview with Hello magazine the actress reveals the real reason why she decided to quit Corrie. 'I didn't enjoy playing her when she went through a promiscuous phase. I'd always felt I would leave by the time I was twenty one, but when I made up my mind, it wasn't even as if I had a choice. I just knew instinctively. After twelve years playing Rosie, it is time to be myself.'Mathew Horne refused to be interviewed for a programme about James Corden it has been claimed. Oily twat Piers Morgan revealed on Life Stories that the actor declined to make an appearance. The Gavin & Stacey pair became best friends for a time, but split up their partnership after their utterly risible eponymous BBC3 sketch show and their wretched movie Lesbian Vampire Killers were both panned by critics.
Morgan told Corden: 'We asked him to take part in this programme, and he chose not to.' Corden, appeared slightly uncomfortable but responded: 'I didn't know that,' before adding, 'But I can understand why. Because it's a hard time to talk about. And I still hope one day we can do something together, again. It won't be a TV show or a sketch show.' Plus, you know, maybe he just doesn't like you anymore. And, speaking of unfunny double acts, David Walliams has reportedly been approached to join both The Voice and Britain's Got Talent. The Little Britain comedian has repeatedly been linked to the ITV talent show and rumours of his involvement escalated following Michael McIntyre's decision to quit the judging panel last month. However, the People reports that the BBC has attempted to 'snare' Walliams away from ITV, apparently offering him 'a fortune' to host the upcoming talent contest.
'The stations are at loggerheads,' an alleged 'source' allegedly claimed. 'David can't believe it and finds it very flattering. He thinks The Voice is one of the biggest events around the world and being the face of it is tempting. But David also loves Britain's Got Talent. He has a lot of experience and he knows about quality talent acts. David is more tempted by the BBC as Simon Cowell's shows seem more about in-fighting than talent these days. The Voice is with the panel turning their backs to judge contestants on their voices alone. But David would be head judge on Britain's Got Talent whereas he would just be presenting The Voice,' claimed the source. 'He just has to make a decision.'Saint Bob's daughter Peaches Geldof, according to the Metro's Green Room gossip column has told 'pals' that she won't be going shopping alone again after the latest incident of alleged shoplifting.
And, again, we ask the most important question here, does anyone, anywhere still use the word 'pal' as anything other than a dismissive pejorative or an term of ironic and casual disdain. 'Are you looking at me, pal?' and the like. Anyway: 'I am scared to just even look into a shop window now,' Peaches confesses. Probably a good idea to pay somebody to do your shopping for you in that case, m'love. it's not like you're short of cash, nor nothing. Not since Rory Cellan-Jones was a utility cub reporter, freezing his nuts off by militant firefighters' braziers and forced to schlep to Heathrow daily to quiz strike-hit queuers, has the BBC's technology correspondent had such a bad day at work. Last week Rory began to phone in a report to Radio 4's The World at One on Wednesday, but after a burst of excited burbling there was nothing but silence; he later tweeted that his 'career hit a new low in a toilet on a South West train between Woking and Winchester' due to 'non-existent 3G.' Adding to the poignancy, or perhaps comedy, was the event he was covering: the Nokia phone launch. Let's hope the poor chap picked up something more reliable at the event.
Occupy London activists have lodged a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission about national newspaper claims that their encampment was unoccupied overnight. The story, originally broken in the Torygraph on Tuesday, purported to prove using high-tech thermal imaging equipment that ninety per cent of tents at the site were left empty overnight. A video shot by the Torygraph and posted on their website showed row upon row of dark coloured tents outside St Paul's, while those walking around the encampment appeared on camera brightly illuminated. The story – which was followed up on the front page of The Times under the headline, St Paul's 11:12, just one protest tent is occupied and also in the Daily Scum Express and on the Daily Scum Mail's website – was cited in condemnation of protesters in parliament. It drew calls from City of London councillors that the campsite was a 'phantom protest.' The Gruniad has also learned that similar claims of unoccupied tents were used in a City of London document to set out the case for the camps eviction. The PCC complaint over accuracy was prompted when activists from the camp decided to hire the exact same thermal camera – the FLIR P60 – from the same Surrey-based Thermal Imaging Ltd company used by the newspapers and repeated the experiment on Thursday night. In a series of experiments witnessed by the Gruniad, activists discovered that it is virtually impossible to 'see' inside tents using the camera as there is not enough of a heat signature which seeps out of the tents for the camera to pick up despite adjusting contrast settings. Even with six people inside a standard two person tent the thermal camera showed a blacked-out shelter until activists reemerged into the open. They then produced a video which they posted on Youtube.
Whitmarsh added that he felt Massa was also struggling to come to terms with the dominant form of Ferrari team-mate Alonso. 'Felipe is under enormous pressure within that team and that causes him to react,' he said. Hamilton, who recently split with long-time girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger, has suffered a number of disappointments this season. The fact that he's not longer getting any from Nicole Scherzinger being, one would suggest, one of the biggest ones. Asked whether he felt Hamilton had been 'too hard on himself,' Whitmarsh replied: 'Yes, I do frankly.' Although, without Nicole Scherzinger's presence one might imagine that Hamilton 'being hard on himself' may prove someone more challenging than usual. 'I have told him on several occasions, "Don't apologise, you're a racing driver. If you've made a mistake, accept it, learn from it and move on." He is very analytical. He's very serious about trying to do the best job he can. He's much too hard on himself but I've known Lewis for a long, long time and he has always been like that since he was in karts. That's his way, that's his psychology and that's how he motivates himself. 
His body language this weekend has been much more positive than for the last races. He has all the skills. We saw him qualify and race fantastically at the last race [in Korea, where he finished second] and qualify fantastically here. It can change.' The latest clash between Hamilton and Massa came on lap twenty four of the race at the Buddah International Circuit. The two touched as Hamilton dived down the inside of his Brazilian rival at Turn Five. The nose of Hamilton's car was damaged in the incident, forcing him to pit, but Massa managed to continue. The pair had previously touched wheels in both Monaco and Singapore, resulting in a drive-through penalty for the McLaren star on each occasion. Hamilton, who pipped Massa to the world title in 2008, has admitted the relationship between the two drivers is not good - but Whitmarsh rejected suggestions that he and Ferrari should organise a meeting to clear the air. 'They are men, they've got to figure it out for themselves,' said the McLaren chief, who said he had spoken to Ferrari about the pair.Cher Lloyd has admitted that the reaction she received during and following her time on The X Factor nearly made her quit her music career altogether. Which comes as a considerable surprise to those of us who never realised she's started in the first place.
'Bono would find all these things to do late at night, all these underground clubs.' Guitarist Mr The Edge out of the U2 Group chose to live away from the rest of the band to focus on work. 'It was a strange time for me - things weren't going great at home,' Mr Claypole of The U2 Group explained. 'Then up the road, the others. People were really enjoying the fact they were in a rock band that was a big success. It was like being in a candy store - a lot of partying, a relatively hedonistic time. It was more of a refuge for me, I was throwing myself into work.' Mr Bonio out of the U2 Group was unavailable for comment. Which is jolly unusual as you can seldom shut the bugger up. On just about any subject. The bookmaker Paddy Power has muscled in on DQF, offering punters generous looking odds of six-to-one that 'BBC bigwigs' will have a change of heart on its proposed local radio cuts after a 'stellar' performance in last week's Rajar listening figures. 'Whilst Radio 4, which is being protected from major cuts, has seen just a slight rise in audience, it is clear many people find BBC local radio a turn-on,' said the bookie. Lord Patten please take note. Paddy Power has spoken.
A US man has been hospitalised after claiming to have severed his arm in a homemade guillotine. Professionals at a urology clinic in Bellingham, Washington contacted police on Thursday after the man showed that his right arm had been sliced off above the elbow.
One imagines that might, conceivably, have hurt a bit. Police told the Bellingham Herald that officers searched the area surrounding the clinic for the severed limb, eventually discovering it at a transient camp along with an elaborate handcrafted guillotine. The appendage was sent to a medical centre in Seattle, to which the man had been airlifted, in the hope that it could be reattached. The unidentified patient is currently believed to be in 'a serious condition' in an intensive care unit. Authorities believe that the injury was 'self-inflicted.' A ninety two-year-old woman was refused service at an off-licence because she was unable to prove she was over eighteen. Diane Taylor, who is a great-grandmother, was unable to provide photo identification at a One Stop Shop in Essex while trying to purchase some alcohol for her son.
'It seemed so stupid, I thought the cashier was complimenting me,' Taylor told the Mirra. 'But then I realised that she was being serious so I pulled out my bus pass, my blood donor's card but it was no good, she said she wanted proof of age. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to do.' Errr... never shop there again, perhaps? Taylor said that she refused to believe she looked under the age of twenty five and has since received an apology from a spokesperson for One Stop Shop.For this Hallow'een Keith Telly Toping's 45 of the Day here's one of Katie Bush's lesser works. But, very in keeping with the spirit of the day.
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