A loud-mouthed and, by the sound of it rather ignorant, Minnesota legislator had a bit of a jocks-vs-goths meltdown this week when he declared that best-selling comic book writer, novelist and Doctor Who scriptwriter Neil Gaiman to be 'a pencil-necked little weasel who stole forty five thousand dollars' from the state in the form of a speaking fee (which the writer - it seems - donated to charity). The remark came from House Majority Leader Matt Dean, who is trying to pass new legislation changing the way programmes for culture and the arts are funded in Minnesota. The Republican subsequently apologised apparently after he was admonished by his mother. Dean, is attempting to pass legislation which would require arts and culture organisations like Minnesota Public Radio and the Minnesota Zoo, among others, to compete for grants rather than continue to be funded through taxes. Opening himself up to the full retaliation of the supernatural world, and fourteen year old Goth girls everywhere, Dean singled out Gaiman - pictured to the right (which should suit Mr Dean) along with yer actual Keith Telly Topping's good mate Clay Eichelberger and Malena from FOX Movie Channel's Thirteen Nights of Fright shoot a few years ago - for having received a payment last year for a four-hour speaking engagement. Dean said Gaiman - 'who I hate' - was 'a pencil-necked little weasel who stole forty five thousand dollars from the state of Minnesota,' the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported. 
Embracing Dean's less-than-flattering description of him, the self-deprecating Gaiman responded in a post on his personal blog, titled The Opinions of a Pencil-Necked Weasel-Thief… writing that it was 'kind of nice to make someone's hate list.' Gaiman - whom yer actual Keith Telly Topping has met a couple of times, shared a panel (and a beer) with at a convention (in Minneapolis, actually) and always found to be one of the most delightfully articulate and humane individuals I've ever come across - added that while he liked being compared to pencils ('You can draw or write things with pencils'), he did not appreciate being called 'a thief.' Surmising that Dean made the accusation because either he 'thinks I gave the talk wearing a stripy sweater to an audience of people who were there at gunpoint and afterwards took their wallets,' or 'he's against the principles of the Free Market, and feels that governments should regulate how much people are paid to talk in public,' Gaiman said that he had donated the speaking fee (which he said was actually thirty three thousand six hundred dollars not forty five thousand) to charity groups 'long ago.' Dean told Minnesota Public Radio that he apologised to Gaiman at the behest of his mother. 'She was very angry this morning and always taught me not to be a name-caller,' Dean said. 'And I shouldn't have done it, and I apologise.' What a pity Mrs Dean - who sounds like a lovely lady - didn't also give her son some sage advice that he shouldn't be a twat either.
Another Premier League footballer has reportedly been granted a gagging order after being accused of having an affair. Kimberley West, an eighteen-year-oldslapper model, has claimed to have had a 'three-month fling' with the married sportsman who cannot be named, the Daily Torygraph reports. And, so does the Sun which features a picture of Kim in her pants. Tasteful. Still, one is sure that her parents are very proud of her. 
The pair are said to have started a relationship after meeting in a nightclub. Sexy stunna Kim said: 'He was a perfect gentleman and I never had a clue he was married. I was horrified when I found out. After that we met up every few weeks and had sex each time, apart from once.' The footballer appears to be the latest high-profile figure to have been granted a gagging order by the courts to prevent alleged details of his private life being made public. At the weekend, it was claimed that the footballer who was granted a super-injunction after being accused of having an affair with Imogen Thomas had confessed details of the relationship to his wife.
Doctor Who very own sexy stunna, Karen Gillan (twenty two!), has teased that viewers can expect to see a more vulnerable side of her character Amy Pond this series. Amy debuted in last year's premiere The Eleventh Hour, when The Doctor discovered that her bedroom contained a crack in the fabric of time and space which had erased her parents from existence. In the series five finale Amy's parents were restored to the universe and now Gillan has revealed that The Doctor's companion must face up to her difficult past. 'With the last series, what I wanted to do with Amy is keep her really guarded,' she told SFX. 'She doesn't like to show her emotions, because she wants to seem strong and she doesn't like to be seen as vulnerable in any way, because of what happened to her in her childhood, so I kept her like that.'
Gillan continued: 'In this series, cracks are starting to form in that feisty exterior, and we're starting to get glimpses into other aspects of her. And having her parents back in her life definitely does have an effect on her. But it's kind of a mixed effect.' Asked about the highlights of the six episodes to be shown this spring, Gillan professed that a trio of particularly memorable moments stand out. 'The pirate ship [from this weekend's episode The Curse of the Black Spot] was amazing! And it was really cool going to Utah. That, for me, I think, is the favourite story we've shot so far,' she declared. 'Also, we get to see a bit more of the TARDIS than we've ever seen.'
And so to the next batch of yer actual Top Telly Tips, dear blog reader.
Friday 13 May
On a very special episode of yer actual Have I Got News For You - 9:00 BBC1- MasterChef judges John Torode and Gregg Wallace become the first ever co-hosts of the satirical current affairs quiz. They are, of course, joined by regular team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. And two other people.
Dunno who yet but we assumed they'll be at least vaguely funny. 'It's brilliant being on Have I Got News For You,' Wallace said. 'I've watched it for years and never dreamed I'd ever be on it. Mum's going to be so proud!' Before Mrs Wallace could confirm this, however, Torode added: 'Have I Got News For You is a fantastic show and I'm really excited to be asked to be part of the first ever double act to host it. Quizzes don't get tougher than this!' Oi! Gregg! He's nicked your old catchphrase there, mate. That's not on!
Sky Atlantic are continuing to raid the HBO archives with series two of Big Love - 9:00. In case you've never seen it before, this a rather splendidly acted drama about a fictional fundamentalist Mormon family in Utah which practices polygamy.
It features Bill Paxton, Chloë Sevigny and Jeanne Tripplehorn among others and it's really rather good. In this latest episode, Bill vows to get revenge on whoever was responsible for the revelations at the award ceremony - but while he draws up a list of suspects, Barb begins to question whether she can be his wife any more. The net closes in on Wanda and Lois following Alby's poisoning, Margene worries about her role within the family, and Sarah becomes increasingly disenchanted with life in the Henrickson home.
Now, it might sound a bit ridiculous for yer actual Keith Telly Topping to say this about, what is it, the eighth biggest selling artists of all time but this blogger has always considered The Bee Gees to be really under-rated. I mean, not so much the disco stuff but certainly those early Beatlesque three or four LPs when they were producing one classic after another. Bee Gees: In Our Own Time - 9:00 BBC4 - tells the story of the Gibb brothers' careers in pop music, which began following their family's emigration from Manchester to Australia.
Having had some hits as teenagers in the land down under (when women glow and men chunder), they returned to England in the bone-chilling winter of 1966, got signed up to Brian Epstein's NEMS agency and found fame with a series of beautifully constructed ballads including 'New York Mining Disaster', 'Massachusetts', 'To Love Somebody', 'I've Gotta Get a Message to You', 'Words', 'Lonely Days' et cetera before becoming the kings of hairy-chest disco in the mid-70s with their contributions to the soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever. As I say, I'm not so bothered about 'Stayin' Alive' personally (although, whether you're mother or whether you're a brother, you might be, dear blog reader) but check out 'I Started A Joke' from 1969's Odessa, for instance. Or their magical contributions to the 1971 movie Melody. Bloody genius. Anyway, this documentary features contributions from Barry and Robin, as well as interviews recorded with their late brother Maurice before his shockingly untimely death in 2003.
Saturday 14 May
Tonight's episode of yer actual Doctor Who - 6:30 BBC1 - is, mercifully, from being in a shit sandwich between the risible Don't Scare The Hare and the worse that useless So You Think You Can Dance. For which we should all be extremely grateful.
It's called The Doctor's Wife and is, as you probably know, written by the popular fantasy and comics writer Neil Gaiman, the creator of The Sandman among other towering works. He's also a long-time Doctor Who fan and, finally, after forty years of wanting the gig, a producer - in this particular case his old mucka Steven Moffat - finally bothered to actually ask him. A distress signal from 'an old friend' (and, you can start placing your bets now on that one!) provides the Time Lord with a glimmer of hope that he might not be the last of his kind. Oh, right. Yeah, I think I know where this is going. Hopes raised, he follows the signal to a junkyard planet sitting upon a mysterious asteroid in a Bubble universe, populated by a very strange family and the beautiful but unhinged Idris, who seems to know a great deal about the Doctor. Guest starring the very excellent Suranne Jones (Coronation Street's Karen McDonald) and featuring the voice of Oscar-nominee Michael Sheen.
The reason that Doctor Who's on that little bit later this week - the BBC having, hopefully, realised what a pair of utter turkeys were surrounding it, notwithstanding - is that tonight also sees the annual Eurovision Song Contest 2011 - 8:00 BBC1. Graham Norton commentates on the entertainment at the Esprit Arena in Dusseldorf, as reunited boy band Blue represent the UK in the final of the fifty sixth edition of the competition.
Though the group - Lee Ryan, Antony Costa, Simon Webbe and Duncan James - are optimistic their song 'I Can' will bring the UK its first victory since Katrina and the Waves' 1997 triumph, many experts have tipped operatic tenor Amaury Vassili to scoop the prize for France with his epic ballad 'Sognu.' The host nation has pinned its hopes on last year's winner Lena Meyer-Landrut, who is aiming to become the first ever singer to win back-to-back Eurovision titles, whilst Ireland will be hoping that former X Factor hopefuls Jedward managed to qualify from Thursday's semi-final and, you know, not show the country up too much.
Sunday 15 May
Operation Crossbow - 9:00 BBC2 - is a rather good looking documentary providing an insight into a little-known story of Spitfire pilots and Allied technicians whose work helped to thwart the Nazis during the Second World War. The programme reveals how stereoscopic 3D photographs were used to help interpreters map every contour of the enemy's territory, and uses personal testimony, computer-generated imagery and original wartime pictures to detail how the initiative was able to uncover some of Hitler's most dangerous secrets. Narrated by Samantha Bond.
In the latest episode of Hawaii Five-0 - 9:00 Sky1 - the team is tasked with protecting the sole witness in a high-profile murder case.
Who promptly disappears into the jungle and is being pursued by numerous very naughty assassins indeed. Meanwhile, a highly pissed-off Danny Williams investigates when Rachel's car is hijacked and her house ransacked - and his anger soars to almost incandescent levels after he discovers that her new partner, Stan's business deals triggered the trouble. Sadly, for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's mate Mick, there's no 'Grace Park in a bikini' shots this week. Will a rather nice cocktail dress do instead, mate?
ITV's new South Bank Show-Lite Perspectives had got off to a very decent start and tonight's film, Hugh Laurie Down by the River - 10:15 ITV - looks very good too.
This documentary following the actor, comedian and writer as he visits New Orleans on a journey to investigate the roots of jazz and blues, the genres which inspired his life-long passion for music. As well as exploring the city, Hugh also records his own versions of notable songs and performs with his band in Latrobes in the French Quarter, alongside stars including Allen Toussaint, Tom Jones and Irma Thomas. Just to prove that Stephen wasn't the only talented one in that partnership!
Monday 16 May
In The Street That Cut Everything - 9:00 BBC1 - ludicrous slaphead political correspondent Nick Robinson investigates an unusual social experiment which saw a single street in Preston sever ties with the local council for six weeks, giving up access to all services usually provided by the authorities.
The fifty residents – a mixtures of manual workers, middle managers, public sector workers, private businessmen, pensioners and single parents – are armed with their council tax rebates, and they must decide together how to run their own community. Faced with challenges that replicate the difficulties councils face in any given year, how will the residents cope? From organising their own rubbish collections and their own street lighting to distributing benefits and caring for the vulnerable, the residents face a real test of community spirit. Will it galvanise their community or tear it apart?
The Story of Ireland - 7:00 BBC2 - is a new series in which Fergal Keane (didn't he used to be the lead singer with The Undertones?) explores Ireland's rich cultural, economic and social history, documenting its role on the international stage.
He begins by revisiting the origins of the Celtic people, detailing the impact of Christianity and monasticism, the emergence of early literature, and the formation of law tracts that provide an insight into the day-to-day life of people nearly fifteen hundred years ago. And, ends with the invention of Guinness and Thin Lizzy's third LP. Begorrah, bejesus where's me shillelagh? Not, hang on, Fergal Keane? Plays for West Ham these days, after spells with Tottenham and Liverpool, yes?
In the latest episode of Coronation Street - 7:30 ITV - Chesney quizzes Joy Fishwick's neighbours about the circumstances surrounding her death, while John is shocked and stunned to find the Hoyles on his doorstep. Rosie, meanwhile, flirts with Tommy and asks him to do a spot of DIY, Eileen sets Sean up with a blind date, and Amy's illness continues to worry Steve and Tracy. Continues at 8.30pm.
Tuesday 17 May
The Secret Millionaire - 9:00 Channel Four - looks to be a good one tonight. London-based businesswoman Lyn Cecil goes undercover in Islington, where the super-rich and desperately poor live side-by-side. In perfect harmony on pianos, you may wonder dear blog reader.
Nah, not really. Leaving behind her ninety one-year-old mother, Lyn learns more about the work of a charity devoted to the elderly, run by a fifty nine-year-old man whose experience of living on the streets prompted him to help others avoid a similar fate. She also visits Centre 404, which offers a range of activities for disabled people, and meets aspiring actors at Islington Community Theatre. And still nobody twigs that she's loaded.
Countrywise - 8:00 ITV - might not quite have either the audience or the heart of the BBC show that it's a blatant rip-off of, Countryfile, but it's not bad for all that. Paul Heiney sets sail from the North Devon coast to the island of Lundy to meet the people who guard not only its land but also what lies beneath the sea. Chef Mike Robinson forages along the coastline, while Rachel de Thame visits one of Britain's most prestigious gardens.
In EastEnders - 7:30 BBC1 - Ronnie's return to the Square sends shockwaves throughout Walford, and Jack struggles to decide whether he can move on from her horrific actions or, you know, not. The Beales' divorce proceedings take a surprising turn when a vengeful Phil gets himself involved and Masood delights Tamwar and Afia with a grand gesture - but Yusef is determined to ensure his rival's moment in the spotlight will be short-lived. Just another everyday tale to t'southern folk. Don't hurt 'em.
Wednesday 18 May
Get ready for two hours of brown-tongued rimming and back-slapping of people who, for the most part, can't act in The British Soap Awards 2011 - 8:00 ITV. The stars of Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and,err, Doctors gather on the red carpet as Phillip Schofield hosts the thirteenth annual ceremony honouring TV's most popular soaps. There is 'everything to play for,' apparently, as various awards are announced, including Villain, Spectacular Scene, Best Actor and Actress, Sexiest Male and Female, and Best British Soap, won in 2010 by EastEnders - which came away with ten accolades last year.
In The Apprentice - 9:00 BBC1 - Alan Sugar-Sweetie meets the teams at the Savoy Hotel in London, where he challenges them to source ten products for its reopening. Under the supervision of Nick Hewer and Karren Brady, the candidates struggle to find the unusual items at bargain prices, and face a last-minute rush to complete the task and present their purchases to the hotel's general manager for inspection. Failure is not an option and mistakes will not be forgiven as Lord Sugar-Sweetie wastes no time in telling his potential business partners how the hunt for a new partnership will work:
'I'm going to inject two hundred and fifty thousand pounds worth of cash and value into a business, your business, and you're going to run it. And I say you're going to run it because don't expect me to be doing all the work because I'm not looking for a "sleeping" partner. I'm not Saint Alan, the patron saint of bloody losers. You can look at it as a bit of an uncivil partnership, so to speak. I want you to treat this first task as if it's your own business. Here's something to note, this is an investment, and I want some return on my money.'
There's a very welcome repeat of Wild Swimming - 10:00 BBC4 - in which the divine Doctor Alice Roberts,
the Goddess of punk archaeology, embarks on a personal quest to discover what lies behind the new-found passion for swimming in the wild that is sweeping Britain, visiting rivers and underground lakes and taking a skinny dip in a moorland pool. Part of the Landscape season.
In the latest episode of Desperate Housewives - 10:00 Channel Four - Susan tries to make the most of her remaining time after doctors advise her to settle any unfinished business, but a romantic pre-anniversary celebration with Mike comes to an abrupt end.
Meanwhile, Bree desperately searches for a donor for her friend, and discovers two possibilities close to home. Gabrielle and Lee enter their daughters into a talent show, and Lynette tries to educate Renee in the responsibilities of parenthood. The next episode can be seen first on E4 on Sunday.
Thursday 19 May
There's a very welcome return for one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite bits of British telly, The Culture Show - 7:00 BBC2. Arty Andrew Graham-Dixon presents from London's South Bank at the Festival of Britain's Sixtieth Anniversary celebrations.
Nancy Durrant talks to Tracey Emin about her retrospective at the Hayward Gallery, while Tom Dyckhoff explores the militarisation of urban architecture. Big quiffed Marky Kermode plays LA Noire, a new video game inspired by film noir, record producer Danger Mouse discusses his latest CD Rome, and Alastair Sooke examines this year's shortlist for the Museum of the Year Art Fund Prize.
It's episode three of The Shadow Line - 9:00 BBC2. Gabriel goes against his superior's instructions and continues to investigate the Harvey Wratten case.
Bede reluctantly finds himself in charge of the drugs cartel, while at home, his wife's health deteriorates. Elsewhere, Honey tracks an unknown man who arrives at Wratten's funeral. Conspiracy thriller, starring Chiwetel Ejiofor, Christopher Eccleston, Lesley Sharp and Kierston Wareing.
Hunting Britain's Most Wanted - 9:00 Channel Four - is a documentary following the work of New Scotland Yard's Extradition Unit as it tries to track down foreign criminals in Britain, including Hungary's most wanted fugitive, a Turkish man who committed an honour killing and a suspected Croatian war criminal. With the offenders going to extraordinary lengths to evade capture, it can be a painstaking and frustrating experience for the officers involved. Part of the Cutting Edge strand.
And, finally, for the week in Psychoville 2 - 10:00 BBC2 - Mr Lomax reveals more about his past and the reason behind his hatred of Tony Hancock.
Mr Jelly arrives at one of Mr Jolly's bookings and hopes no one will be able to tell the difference. Very dark comedy, sometimes disturbingly funny, other times just disturbing, written by and starring Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton.
And, so to the news: As mentioned in passing yesterday, Christopher Eccleston has signed up for a role in BBC1 thriller The Fuse. The former Doctor Who actor will play a politician with a guilty secret in the psychological drama, according to the Mirra.
Written by Lark Rise To Candleford writer Bill Gallagher, the plot follows a candidate for mayor, who is attempting to cover up a drunken murder. 'Bill has written a fantastic five-episode drama about obsession, addiction and redemption. I can't wait,' said Eccleston. Gallagher added: 'I liked the idea of starting with a man in a self-induced hell and following him as he tries to make amends.'
Hugo Blick's noir thriller The Shadow Line peaked with an audience of over three million viewers on BBC2, overnight data has revealed. Starring Christopher Eccleston and Rafe Spall, the first part of the crime drama averaged 2.85m in the 9pm slot and picked up one hundred and ninety thousand viewers on BBC HD. The opening episode of the second series of horror comedy Psychoville was watched by 1.15m afterwards at 10pm.
Nick Frost is keen to secure roles which will take him out of his comedy comfort zone. The star of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz and the TV series Spaced told the BBC that he is keen to play historical figures, and has a secret project in the pipeline. He said: 'I've always been funny as a kid, so it's not a challenge to me to be funny. It's the other stuff that's difficult, so I like to challenge myself.' Frost is back in cinemas next week in Attack The Block. The thirty nine-year-old actor, who plays a slacker drug dealer in the film, said he had enjoyed his lead role in last year's BBC TV adaptation of the Martin Amis novel, Money. Frost played John Self, a British director of commercials, who is thrust into the world of New York movie deals. 'That's my favourite of everything I've done,' said Frost. 'We're trying to work on something similar, but I can't say any more.' Frost is a regular collaborator with Simon Pegg - their last two movies together were the classic Hot Fuzz (2007) and this year's SF caper Paul. Could he ever see himself in an adaptation of Shakespeare or Chekhov? 'Yes, absolutely,' said Frost.
'I'm waiting for a Winston Churchill or a Henry VIII - I think you have to go with the physicality of your actor.' He added: 'I'm a bit too young for Churchill, but twenty more years and I'll be almost sixty, and in ripe Churchill territory. And I could do the Bob Hoskins biopic in sixty years!' Later this year Frost returns to the big screen in Steven Spielberg's 3D film, The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn. Frost plays clumsy detective Thomson (alongside Pegg's Thompson) using the performance-capture system similar to that used in Avatar. 'It was terrifying because Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg were there,' Frost confided. 'You had to bring the heat every day. It's on days like that you think you're going to get a tap on the shoulder and found out for being a charlatan.' The Tintin film is co-written by Joe Cornish, who wrote and directed alien invasion movie Attack The Block.
Lord Patten was introduced to BBC staff on the first day of his first week of his new job, telling them over Auntie's faintly sinister sounding internal 'ring main' system he 'hoped' it could avoid closing services as it implements swingeing budget cuts. The former Tory party chairman and governor of Hong Kong was also quizzed on his consumption of BBC content, shocking staff who were convinced he was a fan of Cash in the Attic by telling them he listens to Radio 4 and enjoys political and sport programmes. He also spent the weekend catching up on Wallander, but unfortunately he hasn't watched Sherlock yet because the 'tapes' the BBC sent him ended seven minutes into each episode. Which was either a slip of the tongue – or, more worryingly, could the new BBC Trust chairman really still be watching TV shows on fuddy-duddy old video tape? Will he ever get to grips with the iPlayer, we wonder?
Chinese media regulators have suspended spy and crime dramas from TV, ahead of the ruling Communist party's ninetieth anniversary, it has been reported. The Beijing Times, citing officials from TV stations in Tianjin and Shanghai, said that the ban will run from May until after 1 July. Programming will switch to shows more in-sync with party anniversary themes. State-owned studio China Film Group is set to release patriotic blockbuster The Founding of a Party on 15 June. The film, which chronicles the events leading to the founding of the Chinese Communist Party, stars director John Woo, and actors Andy Lau and Wei Tang.
Liu Ye, thirty three, plays party founder and notorious despot and mass murderer Mao Zedong. The State Administration of Radio, Film and TV has also provided stations with a list of forty TV dramas recommended to be shown during the next three months, including the classic revolutionary drama My Youth is in Yan'an. TV shows to be postponed until after the anniversary include the police drama Never Close Your Eyes and wartime spy drama Blacklist. Rumours that David Cameron and his lick-spittle mouthpiece the Daily Scum Mail are about to introduce a similar list of 'approved programming' (none of which will feature any BBC shows) cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied).
The Shakespeare's Globe have announced casting for their forthcoming play, Christopher Marlowe's Doctor Faustus. The titular role, the scholar who makes a pact with the devil in exchange for knowledge, will be played by Paul Hilton (whose television credits include Silk), with the evil spirit Mephistopheles to be played by Arthur Darvill. Arthur is, of course, best known for his role as the Doctor's current companion Rory Williams in Doctor Who. The production will run from 18 June to 2 October and is directed by Matthew Dunster and designed by Paul Wills. They will both collaborate with Puppetry Director Steve Tiplady, former Artistic Director of Little Angel Theatre Company, to transform the Globe into 'an arena of wild spectacle with larger than life puppets and illusion.'
Huge flying dragons and horned stilt walkers will help to bring this dark fantastical world to life. Doctor Faustus is one of the greatest tragedies in English before Shakespeare, and is being staged for the first time at the current Globe. Restless for knowledge and power, Faustus forsakes scholarship and makes a pact with the Devil: In exchange for giving his soul to Lucifer after death, the evil spirit Mephistopheles will serve him for twenty four years, providing him with magic and knowledge beyond his wildest dreams. Arthur's other television credits include Little Dorrit for the BBC and He Kills Coppers on ITV. He was nominated for Best Newcomer at the Evening Standard Awards in 2007 for his role as Rex in Swimming with Sharks.
The latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day comes from those groovy old justified and ancients drudes themselves, The KLF. As it happens, it's the first cool record Kylie Minogue ever had any - vague - involvement with. And the only cool record Jason Donovan ever had any - vague - involvement with! Tell 'em all about it, Mr Drummond, sir.
Incidentally, the single they released immediately before this was 'Doctorin' The TARDIS.' Just thought I'd mention that!
Embracing Dean's less-than-flattering description of him, the self-deprecating Gaiman responded in a post on his personal blog, titled The Opinions of a Pencil-Necked Weasel-Thief… writing that it was 'kind of nice to make someone's hate list.' Gaiman - whom yer actual Keith Telly Topping has met a couple of times, shared a panel (and a beer) with at a convention (in Minneapolis, actually) and always found to be one of the most delightfully articulate and humane individuals I've ever come across - added that while he liked being compared to pencils ('You can draw or write things with pencils'), he did not appreciate being called 'a thief.' Surmising that Dean made the accusation because either he 'thinks I gave the talk wearing a stripy sweater to an audience of people who were there at gunpoint and afterwards took their wallets,' or 'he's against the principles of the Free Market, and feels that governments should regulate how much people are paid to talk in public,' Gaiman said that he had donated the speaking fee (which he said was actually thirty three thousand six hundred dollars not forty five thousand) to charity groups 'long ago.' Dean told Minnesota Public Radio that he apologised to Gaiman at the behest of his mother. 'She was very angry this morning and always taught me not to be a name-caller,' Dean said. 'And I shouldn't have done it, and I apologise.' What a pity Mrs Dean - who sounds like a lovely lady - didn't also give her son some sage advice that he shouldn't be a twat either. Another Premier League footballer has reportedly been granted a gagging order after being accused of having an affair. Kimberley West, an eighteen-year-old
The pair are said to have started a relationship after meeting in a nightclub. Sexy stunna Kim said: 'He was a perfect gentleman and I never had a clue he was married. I was horrified when I found out. After that we met up every few weeks and had sex each time, apart from once.' The footballer appears to be the latest high-profile figure to have been granted a gagging order by the courts to prevent alleged details of his private life being made public. At the weekend, it was claimed that the footballer who was granted a super-injunction after being accused of having an affair with Imogen Thomas had confessed details of the relationship to his wife.Doctor Who very own sexy stunna, Karen Gillan (twenty two!), has teased that viewers can expect to see a more vulnerable side of her character Amy Pond this series. Amy debuted in last year's premiere The Eleventh Hour, when The Doctor discovered that her bedroom contained a crack in the fabric of time and space which had erased her parents from existence. In the series five finale Amy's parents were restored to the universe and now Gillan has revealed that The Doctor's companion must face up to her difficult past. 'With the last series, what I wanted to do with Amy is keep her really guarded,' she told SFX. 'She doesn't like to show her emotions, because she wants to seem strong and she doesn't like to be seen as vulnerable in any way, because of what happened to her in her childhood, so I kept her like that.'
Gillan continued: 'In this series, cracks are starting to form in that feisty exterior, and we're starting to get glimpses into other aspects of her. And having her parents back in her life definitely does have an effect on her. But it's kind of a mixed effect.' Asked about the highlights of the six episodes to be shown this spring, Gillan professed that a trio of particularly memorable moments stand out. 'The pirate ship [from this weekend's episode The Curse of the Black Spot] was amazing! And it was really cool going to Utah. That, for me, I think, is the favourite story we've shot so far,' she declared. 'Also, we get to see a bit more of the TARDIS than we've ever seen.'And so to the next batch of yer actual Top Telly Tips, dear blog reader.
Friday 13 May
On a very special episode of yer actual Have I Got News For You - 9:00 BBC1- MasterChef judges John Torode and Gregg Wallace become the first ever co-hosts of the satirical current affairs quiz. They are, of course, joined by regular team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. And two other people.
Dunno who yet but we assumed they'll be at least vaguely funny. 'It's brilliant being on Have I Got News For You,' Wallace said. 'I've watched it for years and never dreamed I'd ever be on it. Mum's going to be so proud!' Before Mrs Wallace could confirm this, however, Torode added: 'Have I Got News For You is a fantastic show and I'm really excited to be asked to be part of the first ever double act to host it. Quizzes don't get tougher than this!' Oi! Gregg! He's nicked your old catchphrase there, mate. That's not on!Sky Atlantic are continuing to raid the HBO archives with series two of Big Love - 9:00. In case you've never seen it before, this a rather splendidly acted drama about a fictional fundamentalist Mormon family in Utah which practices polygamy.
It features Bill Paxton, Chloë Sevigny and Jeanne Tripplehorn among others and it's really rather good. In this latest episode, Bill vows to get revenge on whoever was responsible for the revelations at the award ceremony - but while he draws up a list of suspects, Barb begins to question whether she can be his wife any more. The net closes in on Wanda and Lois following Alby's poisoning, Margene worries about her role within the family, and Sarah becomes increasingly disenchanted with life in the Henrickson home. Now, it might sound a bit ridiculous for yer actual Keith Telly Topping to say this about, what is it, the eighth biggest selling artists of all time but this blogger has always considered The Bee Gees to be really under-rated. I mean, not so much the disco stuff but certainly those early Beatlesque three or four LPs when they were producing one classic after another. Bee Gees: In Our Own Time - 9:00 BBC4 - tells the story of the Gibb brothers' careers in pop music, which began following their family's emigration from Manchester to Australia.
Having had some hits as teenagers in the land down under (when women glow and men chunder), they returned to England in the bone-chilling winter of 1966, got signed up to Brian Epstein's NEMS agency and found fame with a series of beautifully constructed ballads including 'New York Mining Disaster', 'Massachusetts', 'To Love Somebody', 'I've Gotta Get a Message to You', 'Words', 'Lonely Days' et cetera before becoming the kings of hairy-chest disco in the mid-70s with their contributions to the soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever. As I say, I'm not so bothered about 'Stayin' Alive' personally (although, whether you're mother or whether you're a brother, you might be, dear blog reader) but check out 'I Started A Joke' from 1969's Odessa, for instance. Or their magical contributions to the 1971 movie Melody. Bloody genius. Anyway, this documentary features contributions from Barry and Robin, as well as interviews recorded with their late brother Maurice before his shockingly untimely death in 2003.Saturday 14 May
Tonight's episode of yer actual Doctor Who - 6:30 BBC1 - is, mercifully, from being in a shit sandwich between the risible Don't Scare The Hare and the worse that useless So You Think You Can Dance. For which we should all be extremely grateful.
It's called The Doctor's Wife and is, as you probably know, written by the popular fantasy and comics writer Neil Gaiman, the creator of The Sandman among other towering works. He's also a long-time Doctor Who fan and, finally, after forty years of wanting the gig, a producer - in this particular case his old mucka Steven Moffat - finally bothered to actually ask him. A distress signal from 'an old friend' (and, you can start placing your bets now on that one!) provides the Time Lord with a glimmer of hope that he might not be the last of his kind. Oh, right. Yeah, I think I know where this is going. Hopes raised, he follows the signal to a junkyard planet sitting upon a mysterious asteroid in a Bubble universe, populated by a very strange family and the beautiful but unhinged Idris, who seems to know a great deal about the Doctor. Guest starring the very excellent Suranne Jones (Coronation Street's Karen McDonald) and featuring the voice of Oscar-nominee Michael Sheen.The reason that Doctor Who's on that little bit later this week - the BBC having, hopefully, realised what a pair of utter turkeys were surrounding it, notwithstanding - is that tonight also sees the annual Eurovision Song Contest 2011 - 8:00 BBC1. Graham Norton commentates on the entertainment at the Esprit Arena in Dusseldorf, as reunited boy band Blue represent the UK in the final of the fifty sixth edition of the competition.
Though the group - Lee Ryan, Antony Costa, Simon Webbe and Duncan James - are optimistic their song 'I Can' will bring the UK its first victory since Katrina and the Waves' 1997 triumph, many experts have tipped operatic tenor Amaury Vassili to scoop the prize for France with his epic ballad 'Sognu.' The host nation has pinned its hopes on last year's winner Lena Meyer-Landrut, who is aiming to become the first ever singer to win back-to-back Eurovision titles, whilst Ireland will be hoping that former X Factor hopefuls Jedward managed to qualify from Thursday's semi-final and, you know, not show the country up too much.Sunday 15 May
Operation Crossbow - 9:00 BBC2 - is a rather good looking documentary providing an insight into a little-known story of Spitfire pilots and Allied technicians whose work helped to thwart the Nazis during the Second World War. The programme reveals how stereoscopic 3D photographs were used to help interpreters map every contour of the enemy's territory, and uses personal testimony, computer-generated imagery and original wartime pictures to detail how the initiative was able to uncover some of Hitler's most dangerous secrets. Narrated by Samantha Bond.
In the latest episode of Hawaii Five-0 - 9:00 Sky1 - the team is tasked with protecting the sole witness in a high-profile murder case.
Who promptly disappears into the jungle and is being pursued by numerous very naughty assassins indeed. Meanwhile, a highly pissed-off Danny Williams investigates when Rachel's car is hijacked and her house ransacked - and his anger soars to almost incandescent levels after he discovers that her new partner, Stan's business deals triggered the trouble. Sadly, for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's mate Mick, there's no 'Grace Park in a bikini' shots this week. Will a rather nice cocktail dress do instead, mate?ITV's new South Bank Show-Lite Perspectives had got off to a very decent start and tonight's film, Hugh Laurie Down by the River - 10:15 ITV - looks very good too.
This documentary following the actor, comedian and writer as he visits New Orleans on a journey to investigate the roots of jazz and blues, the genres which inspired his life-long passion for music. As well as exploring the city, Hugh also records his own versions of notable songs and performs with his band in Latrobes in the French Quarter, alongside stars including Allen Toussaint, Tom Jones and Irma Thomas. Just to prove that Stephen wasn't the only talented one in that partnership!Monday 16 May
In The Street That Cut Everything - 9:00 BBC1 - ludicrous slaphead political correspondent Nick Robinson investigates an unusual social experiment which saw a single street in Preston sever ties with the local council for six weeks, giving up access to all services usually provided by the authorities.
The fifty residents – a mixtures of manual workers, middle managers, public sector workers, private businessmen, pensioners and single parents – are armed with their council tax rebates, and they must decide together how to run their own community. Faced with challenges that replicate the difficulties councils face in any given year, how will the residents cope? From organising their own rubbish collections and their own street lighting to distributing benefits and caring for the vulnerable, the residents face a real test of community spirit. Will it galvanise their community or tear it apart? The Story of Ireland - 7:00 BBC2 - is a new series in which Fergal Keane (didn't he used to be the lead singer with The Undertones?) explores Ireland's rich cultural, economic and social history, documenting its role on the international stage.
He begins by revisiting the origins of the Celtic people, detailing the impact of Christianity and monasticism, the emergence of early literature, and the formation of law tracts that provide an insight into the day-to-day life of people nearly fifteen hundred years ago. And, ends with the invention of Guinness and Thin Lizzy's third LP. Begorrah, bejesus where's me shillelagh? Not, hang on, Fergal Keane? Plays for West Ham these days, after spells with Tottenham and Liverpool, yes? In the latest episode of Coronation Street - 7:30 ITV - Chesney quizzes Joy Fishwick's neighbours about the circumstances surrounding her death, while John is shocked and stunned to find the Hoyles on his doorstep. Rosie, meanwhile, flirts with Tommy and asks him to do a spot of DIY, Eileen sets Sean up with a blind date, and Amy's illness continues to worry Steve and Tracy. Continues at 8.30pm.
Tuesday 17 May
The Secret Millionaire - 9:00 Channel Four - looks to be a good one tonight. London-based businesswoman Lyn Cecil goes undercover in Islington, where the super-rich and desperately poor live side-by-side. In perfect harmony on pianos, you may wonder dear blog reader.
Nah, not really. Leaving behind her ninety one-year-old mother, Lyn learns more about the work of a charity devoted to the elderly, run by a fifty nine-year-old man whose experience of living on the streets prompted him to help others avoid a similar fate. She also visits Centre 404, which offers a range of activities for disabled people, and meets aspiring actors at Islington Community Theatre. And still nobody twigs that she's loaded.Countrywise - 8:00 ITV - might not quite have either the audience or the heart of the BBC show that it's a blatant rip-off of, Countryfile, but it's not bad for all that. Paul Heiney sets sail from the North Devon coast to the island of Lundy to meet the people who guard not only its land but also what lies beneath the sea. Chef Mike Robinson forages along the coastline, while Rachel de Thame visits one of Britain's most prestigious gardens.
In EastEnders - 7:30 BBC1 - Ronnie's return to the Square sends shockwaves throughout Walford, and Jack struggles to decide whether he can move on from her horrific actions or, you know, not. The Beales' divorce proceedings take a surprising turn when a vengeful Phil gets himself involved and Masood delights Tamwar and Afia with a grand gesture - but Yusef is determined to ensure his rival's moment in the spotlight will be short-lived. Just another everyday tale to t'southern folk. Don't hurt 'em.
Wednesday 18 May
Get ready for two hours of brown-tongued rimming and back-slapping of people who, for the most part, can't act in The British Soap Awards 2011 - 8:00 ITV. The stars of Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and,err, Doctors gather on the red carpet as Phillip Schofield hosts the thirteenth annual ceremony honouring TV's most popular soaps. There is 'everything to play for,' apparently, as various awards are announced, including Villain, Spectacular Scene, Best Actor and Actress, Sexiest Male and Female, and Best British Soap, won in 2010 by EastEnders - which came away with ten accolades last year.
In The Apprentice - 9:00 BBC1 - Alan Sugar-Sweetie meets the teams at the Savoy Hotel in London, where he challenges them to source ten products for its reopening. Under the supervision of Nick Hewer and Karren Brady, the candidates struggle to find the unusual items at bargain prices, and face a last-minute rush to complete the task and present their purchases to the hotel's general manager for inspection. Failure is not an option and mistakes will not be forgiven as Lord Sugar-Sweetie wastes no time in telling his potential business partners how the hunt for a new partnership will work:
'I'm going to inject two hundred and fifty thousand pounds worth of cash and value into a business, your business, and you're going to run it. And I say you're going to run it because don't expect me to be doing all the work because I'm not looking for a "sleeping" partner. I'm not Saint Alan, the patron saint of bloody losers. You can look at it as a bit of an uncivil partnership, so to speak. I want you to treat this first task as if it's your own business. Here's something to note, this is an investment, and I want some return on my money.'There's a very welcome repeat of Wild Swimming - 10:00 BBC4 - in which the divine Doctor Alice Roberts,
the Goddess of punk archaeology, embarks on a personal quest to discover what lies behind the new-found passion for swimming in the wild that is sweeping Britain, visiting rivers and underground lakes and taking a skinny dip in a moorland pool. Part of the Landscape season.In the latest episode of Desperate Housewives - 10:00 Channel Four - Susan tries to make the most of her remaining time after doctors advise her to settle any unfinished business, but a romantic pre-anniversary celebration with Mike comes to an abrupt end.
Meanwhile, Bree desperately searches for a donor for her friend, and discovers two possibilities close to home. Gabrielle and Lee enter their daughters into a talent show, and Lynette tries to educate Renee in the responsibilities of parenthood. The next episode can be seen first on E4 on Sunday.Thursday 19 May
There's a very welcome return for one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite bits of British telly, The Culture Show - 7:00 BBC2. Arty Andrew Graham-Dixon presents from London's South Bank at the Festival of Britain's Sixtieth Anniversary celebrations.
Nancy Durrant talks to Tracey Emin about her retrospective at the Hayward Gallery, while Tom Dyckhoff explores the militarisation of urban architecture. Big quiffed Marky Kermode plays LA Noire, a new video game inspired by film noir, record producer Danger Mouse discusses his latest CD Rome, and Alastair Sooke examines this year's shortlist for the Museum of the Year Art Fund Prize.It's episode three of The Shadow Line - 9:00 BBC2. Gabriel goes against his superior's instructions and continues to investigate the Harvey Wratten case.
Bede reluctantly finds himself in charge of the drugs cartel, while at home, his wife's health deteriorates. Elsewhere, Honey tracks an unknown man who arrives at Wratten's funeral. Conspiracy thriller, starring Chiwetel Ejiofor, Christopher Eccleston, Lesley Sharp and Kierston Wareing.Hunting Britain's Most Wanted - 9:00 Channel Four - is a documentary following the work of New Scotland Yard's Extradition Unit as it tries to track down foreign criminals in Britain, including Hungary's most wanted fugitive, a Turkish man who committed an honour killing and a suspected Croatian war criminal. With the offenders going to extraordinary lengths to evade capture, it can be a painstaking and frustrating experience for the officers involved. Part of the Cutting Edge strand.
And, finally, for the week in Psychoville 2 - 10:00 BBC2 - Mr Lomax reveals more about his past and the reason behind his hatred of Tony Hancock.
Mr Jelly arrives at one of Mr Jolly's bookings and hopes no one will be able to tell the difference. Very dark comedy, sometimes disturbingly funny, other times just disturbing, written by and starring Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton.And, so to the news: As mentioned in passing yesterday, Christopher Eccleston has signed up for a role in BBC1 thriller The Fuse. The former Doctor Who actor will play a politician with a guilty secret in the psychological drama, according to the Mirra.
Written by Lark Rise To Candleford writer Bill Gallagher, the plot follows a candidate for mayor, who is attempting to cover up a drunken murder. 'Bill has written a fantastic five-episode drama about obsession, addiction and redemption. I can't wait,' said Eccleston. Gallagher added: 'I liked the idea of starting with a man in a self-induced hell and following him as he tries to make amends.'Hugo Blick's noir thriller The Shadow Line peaked with an audience of over three million viewers on BBC2, overnight data has revealed. Starring Christopher Eccleston and Rafe Spall, the first part of the crime drama averaged 2.85m in the 9pm slot and picked up one hundred and ninety thousand viewers on BBC HD. The opening episode of the second series of horror comedy Psychoville was watched by 1.15m afterwards at 10pm.
Nick Frost is keen to secure roles which will take him out of his comedy comfort zone. The star of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz and the TV series Spaced told the BBC that he is keen to play historical figures, and has a secret project in the pipeline. He said: 'I've always been funny as a kid, so it's not a challenge to me to be funny. It's the other stuff that's difficult, so I like to challenge myself.' Frost is back in cinemas next week in Attack The Block. The thirty nine-year-old actor, who plays a slacker drug dealer in the film, said he had enjoyed his lead role in last year's BBC TV adaptation of the Martin Amis novel, Money. Frost played John Self, a British director of commercials, who is thrust into the world of New York movie deals. 'That's my favourite of everything I've done,' said Frost. 'We're trying to work on something similar, but I can't say any more.' Frost is a regular collaborator with Simon Pegg - their last two movies together were the classic Hot Fuzz (2007) and this year's SF caper Paul. Could he ever see himself in an adaptation of Shakespeare or Chekhov? 'Yes, absolutely,' said Frost.
'I'm waiting for a Winston Churchill or a Henry VIII - I think you have to go with the physicality of your actor.' He added: 'I'm a bit too young for Churchill, but twenty more years and I'll be almost sixty, and in ripe Churchill territory. And I could do the Bob Hoskins biopic in sixty years!' Later this year Frost returns to the big screen in Steven Spielberg's 3D film, The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn. Frost plays clumsy detective Thomson (alongside Pegg's Thompson) using the performance-capture system similar to that used in Avatar. 'It was terrifying because Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg were there,' Frost confided. 'You had to bring the heat every day. It's on days like that you think you're going to get a tap on the shoulder and found out for being a charlatan.' The Tintin film is co-written by Joe Cornish, who wrote and directed alien invasion movie Attack The Block.Lord Patten was introduced to BBC staff on the first day of his first week of his new job, telling them over Auntie's faintly sinister sounding internal 'ring main' system he 'hoped' it could avoid closing services as it implements swingeing budget cuts. The former Tory party chairman and governor of Hong Kong was also quizzed on his consumption of BBC content, shocking staff who were convinced he was a fan of Cash in the Attic by telling them he listens to Radio 4 and enjoys political and sport programmes. He also spent the weekend catching up on Wallander, but unfortunately he hasn't watched Sherlock yet because the 'tapes' the BBC sent him ended seven minutes into each episode. Which was either a slip of the tongue – or, more worryingly, could the new BBC Trust chairman really still be watching TV shows on fuddy-duddy old video tape? Will he ever get to grips with the iPlayer, we wonder?
Chinese media regulators have suspended spy and crime dramas from TV, ahead of the ruling Communist party's ninetieth anniversary, it has been reported. The Beijing Times, citing officials from TV stations in Tianjin and Shanghai, said that the ban will run from May until after 1 July. Programming will switch to shows more in-sync with party anniversary themes. State-owned studio China Film Group is set to release patriotic blockbuster The Founding of a Party on 15 June. The film, which chronicles the events leading to the founding of the Chinese Communist Party, stars director John Woo, and actors Andy Lau and Wei Tang.
Liu Ye, thirty three, plays party founder and notorious despot and mass murderer Mao Zedong. The State Administration of Radio, Film and TV has also provided stations with a list of forty TV dramas recommended to be shown during the next three months, including the classic revolutionary drama My Youth is in Yan'an. TV shows to be postponed until after the anniversary include the police drama Never Close Your Eyes and wartime spy drama Blacklist. Rumours that David Cameron and his lick-spittle mouthpiece the Daily Scum Mail are about to introduce a similar list of 'approved programming' (none of which will feature any BBC shows) cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied).The Shakespeare's Globe have announced casting for their forthcoming play, Christopher Marlowe's Doctor Faustus. The titular role, the scholar who makes a pact with the devil in exchange for knowledge, will be played by Paul Hilton (whose television credits include Silk), with the evil spirit Mephistopheles to be played by Arthur Darvill. Arthur is, of course, best known for his role as the Doctor's current companion Rory Williams in Doctor Who. The production will run from 18 June to 2 October and is directed by Matthew Dunster and designed by Paul Wills. They will both collaborate with Puppetry Director Steve Tiplady, former Artistic Director of Little Angel Theatre Company, to transform the Globe into 'an arena of wild spectacle with larger than life puppets and illusion.'
Huge flying dragons and horned stilt walkers will help to bring this dark fantastical world to life. Doctor Faustus is one of the greatest tragedies in English before Shakespeare, and is being staged for the first time at the current Globe. Restless for knowledge and power, Faustus forsakes scholarship and makes a pact with the Devil: In exchange for giving his soul to Lucifer after death, the evil spirit Mephistopheles will serve him for twenty four years, providing him with magic and knowledge beyond his wildest dreams. Arthur's other television credits include Little Dorrit for the BBC and He Kills Coppers on ITV. He was nominated for Best Newcomer at the Evening Standard Awards in 2007 for his role as Rex in Swimming with Sharks. The latest Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day comes from those groovy old justified and ancients drudes themselves, The KLF. As it happens, it's the first cool record Kylie Minogue ever had any - vague - involvement with. And the only cool record Jason Donovan ever had any - vague - involvement with! Tell 'em all about it, Mr Drummond, sir.
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