Yo! S'up my bitches... ? 
It's that time of the month again.
But enough about my problems ...
Let us begin our look back at the first half of this month - one of rain and misery - as we mean to go on; with a very nice picture of the divine Julia Bradbury to brighten up all our lives.
Is everybody a bit happier now? Good, then let's have some Top Telly previews:
Monday 1 September:
On Coronation Street – 7:30 ITV – Gail is concerned that Tina will uncover her romantic secret. And, will Teresa’s poisoning of Jerry be revealed to all during a family gathering? Meanwhile, Roy discovers that when it comes to the café Vernon isn’t a patch on Becky. Or, indeed, outside the café come to that.
Robson Green sails the seven seas, just like Echo & the Bunnymen did through the medium of superior pop music, except he's in search of the world’s most elusive marine creatures in Extreme Fishing with Robson Green - Five at 9:00 - which profiles the hottest fishing destinations around the globe. Wor Robson embarks on a trip of colossal proportions (it says here) attempting to land some of the wildest sea creatures in the world. His first port of call is Costa Rica, where he will try to realise a lifelong dream of catching ‘the fastest fish in the water’ (and a near relative of the deadly piranha). The thievin' Geordie bastard! He'll be after the King's Mangoes next, you just watch. Off to Tyburn, with him. Bless him, Robson's dead enthusiastic about his subject and the show isn't any near as bad as the title might suggest. However, Five clearly believe they've hit on a theme here so next week we can probably expect Hot Air Ballooning with Jerome Flynn followed by Flower Arranging with Arthur Mullard and Giant Haystacks’ Badger Watch.
The Children – ITV 9:00 – is a tense - and rather topical - three-part drama starring Kevin Whately and Lesley Sharp. When the body of an eight-year-old girl is discovered in a family garden, the complex and emotional chain of events which lead up to her death begins to emerge. Six months earlier, three couples embarked on a series of exciting new relationships, blissfully unaware of the tragic consequences in store for all of them.
Tuesday 2 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, why can’t you have a bath in the bathroom of most public facilities?
I’m against it, me.
Billy fights to save his marriage on EastEnders at 8:00 while Phil comes under mounting pressure from Suzy. That will, no doubt, cheer him up. And Max stumbles upon some incriminating evidence. Meanwhile Jack, Tanya and girls get back from holiday just as Ronnie reappears. It’s unlikely, however, that she’s turned up just to see if they’ve brought her back some tacky souvenier from their trip - like a key-ring or something. Don't you just hate getting cheap-crap like that when people you know have been away on holiday. Bring me a T-shirt or something or, you know, don't bother with anything, but not a sodding key-ring.
Davina McCall hosts a special live double eviction show of Big Brother at 8:00 on Channel 4. Is anybody actually still watching this? The ratings are going down the tube, fast. How fast you may ask? I shall tell you. Faster than Usain Bolt. Faster than Chris Hoy on a bike going down our street. If you’re still watching, and enjoying it, good on you but you seem to be in a minority of not-a-lot at the moment. Don’t blink or you might miss its demise.
I
mentioned Mutual Friends last week and it’s looking pretty good so far. In case you missed it, this is comedy drama following the lives of a group of old friends – it’s a little bit arch at times and has a very middle class view of life but it also has some really funny things to say about relationships in the 21st Century. Tonight Patrick tries to help Martin cope with his marital problems by subjecting him to an energetic reintroduction to the life of a single man, with vigorous mountain bike-riding, rounds of golf and marathon computer games sessions - fuelled by a diet of pizza and beer. Sounds like a good Friday night in round my drum, that. Great cast and quite funny, what more could you ask for?
Wednesday 3 September:
Lost in Austen – 9:00 on ITV - looks set to do for the Victorian romance novel what Life on Mars did for the cop show.
Disillusioned modern girl Amanda Price 'swaps' her life for that of Jane Austen's celebrated heroine, Elizabeth Bennet. Trapped in an unfolding fiction, Amanda must try to the stop events in the book derailing, as her presence in the characters' lives sets other episodes in motion. Two of my favourite actresses star in the lead roles - Jemima Rooper who took the Jenny Agutter part in the last remake of The Railway Children and was then in Hex on Sky and had grown up all goth and dangerous and Gemma Arterton who was in the recent St Trinians remake and is also in the forthcoming Bond movie. Alex Kingston, Lindsay Duncan and Hugh Bonnerville also feature (the latter, presumably, hoping that everyone’s forgotten Bonekickers already).
On BBC2 at the same time there’s God on Trial, a thought-provoking drama about a group of Auschwitz prisoners who demand to know the exact nature of a God who can allow so much suffering to good people. They attempt to settle their dispute by putting God on trial, knowing that half of them will be sent to the gas chamber and that they, therefore, have only one day to reach a verdict. Powerful, dignified and emotive stuff with a great cast, lead by Anthony Sher and Rupert Graves.
Lastly a quick mention of the star of a new series of Medium, the popular supernatural crime series starring Patricia Arquette on BBC1 at 10:45. Sometimes this can be really very good indeed – clever, dark and very scary. Sometimes, though, it’s just lumpen, plot-heavy and manipulative nonsense. But the best episodes are worth putting up with a lot of needless tear-jerking for and Patricia herself is great in this.
Thursday 4 September:
The Great Italian Escape – 8:30 C4 – is a series following the lives of Richard and Sarah Turnbull, who emigrated from the UK to Tuscany. Nice! The Turnbulls live in a picturesque but rundown farmhouse set in five acres of olive groves in the idyllic hills of Pescia, east of Pisa. I repeat, nice! Richard and Sarah reveal the harsh truth of running their own holiday lets business while helping another family prepare to open the doors of their lovingly-restored farmhouse. Ah… not so nice. But still, the scenery. And the wine. And the cruisine. And the climate. Nice!
Last week’s episode of Mock the Week – 9:00 BBC2 – was the best in a couple of years.
I’m not sure what was most impressive, Hugh Dennis’s tale be being knocked over by a white van driven by two Chinamen ("Ah, it's him from My Hero. He can fly in that show!") or Frankie Boyle telling Paula Radcliffe to look on the bright side, if she was a racehorse she’d’ve been shot by now. Tonight Wor Luscious Lovely Lauren Laverne joins the the teams which would be reason enough to watch it even if it was, otherwise, rubbish. Which, fortunately, it isn't. Not even close. Dara O'Briain hosts with his usual pithy genius. If you've never seen this before ... then where the Hell have you been? It's currently in its sixth season. But, just supposing you've been on, say, The Moon then it's kind of a cross between Have I Got News For You? and Whose Line Is It Anyway? with the bit of Qi thrown in. Skill.
A reality series hosted by Steve Jones, When Women Rule the World – 10:00 C4 – sees eight feisty females put in charge of ten macho males and challenged to create their own utopia on a beautiful Caribbean island. In every episode one man will be exiled from the island, with the last remaining man winning 30,000 pounds. In this first episode the women must decide among themselves who will be their queen - whilst the men, presumably, watch. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, someone somewhere did, indeed, get PAID to come up with the concept for rubbish like this. Probably more than you’ll earn in five years. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Friday 5 September:
We continue to ask all the questions no one else dares to.
Today if, as the Book of Revelation suggests, Armageddon is entirely pre-ordained then what, exactly, is the Devil fighting over if he already knows he’s going to lose in the end?
I’m just curious…
Tonight sees the return of Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse for their new sketch show – Harry and Paul, 9:00 on BBC1.
The last series wasn’t all that hot although they did at least introduce one genuinely brilliant pair of new characters - the Posh Scaffolders - who are back in this series along with many new characters. I saw a clip the other day of a Whicker’s World-type sketch where they’re on an island inhabited by a tribe of Jeremy Clarksons. It looks like the best thing they’ve done since that aliens sktech in 1991! TREEEEEE!
Saturday 6 September:
Thanks to the massive
success of Strictly Come Dancing and its several international variants, we now have “the second annual” Eurovision Dance Contest (BBC1 8:00) live, from Glasgow, the home of the Paso Doble, at least according to Billy Connolly. EastEnders’ Louisa Lytton and Vincent Simone represent Britain. Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman host and Len Goodman does the commentary. But, since when was Azerbaijan - one of the other competing nations - in Europe?! Somebody get these people an Atlas.
Sunday 7 September:
Antiques Roadshow – 8:00 BBC1 – isn’t a show
I’ve often featured on Top Telly Tips but there’s an actual reason to watch it now besides the occasionally brilliant bit of cynical humour as somebody is told that the ‘absolutely priceless’ family antique they have (but couldn’t possibly sell … but, just as a matter of couriosity, how much – exactly - is it worth?) is, in fact, a lump of old mass-produced tat. The Thinking Fortysomething’s Totty, Fiona Bruce, takes over as presenter. Lovely. A national treasure, indeed.
And, speaking of marvellous and classy mature posh birds, Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights – 9:00 BBC1 – sees Joanna travelling to the far north of Norway to see one of the great wonders of nature, the spectacular aurora borealis. I hope she has better luck than I did when I tried to do the same thing.
The travel company I was supposed to be going with went bust and I never got to go. Joanna is charmed by the Norwegian people and their tales of life in the far north, its myths and legends, and their experiences of the borealis itself. She visits the remote fishing town of Å (Eh? No, Å … with an ‘a’ … and one of them little circle-y things above it), spends a night inside an igloo hotel and meets the reindeer herdsmen of the Sami, Europe's last indigenous people (remember them from Reindeer Girls last year?) where she receives a snowmobile riding lesson from a four-year-old boy. Sounds utterly tremendous. Mark me down for a night in with a Fiona/Joanna sandwich. And a curry.
Lastly, a quick mention of Monday afternoon’s episode of Doctors – 1:45 BBC1 – yes, I know it’s on opposite the radio show that I work on and we don’t usually highlight the oppositon but this one is written by one of my best friends and my former writing partner, the great Martin Day. So, if you can’t tear yourself away from Alfie for half an hour - and, let’s face it, who on Earth can? – set your videos or DVD recorders … or, you know, them Sky+ things that I don’t know how to work properly. He’s a good writer is Marty, so if you watch nothing else I recommend this week trust me on this one! Have I ever let you down before? Okay, ignore Bonekickers before you answer that question...
Monday 8 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, if ifs and ands were pots and pans there’d be no work for tinkers? Eh? Run that one by me again? Surely, if there were more pots and pans in the world then there’d be more guys needed to mend broken ones? Cause and effect and all that ...
There’s been a fair few shocks in Corrie recently, what with Ken getting busted last week an everything. Tonight Liam is furious when he learns that Carla has become his new partner in the business. I think Alison King, who plays Carla, is about the best thing in Corrie at the moment. It’s those little sideways glances she keeps giving, as if she’s expecting Michael Aspel to jump out from being a pillar with the big red book.
As an alternative to Weatherfield, some of our listening chaps may prefer Top Trumps on Five at 7:30. Robert Llewelyan (ex of Red Dwarf) and Ashley Hames go head-to-head in a series of challenges based on the popular card game of the 1970s. Tonight, yachts. Yeah, this looks like another laddish Top Gear clone but, it’s a rather fun idea and it taps nicely into that kind of gentle nostalgia thing for the 70s that a lot of TV shows have got going for them at the moment post Life on Mars - I might give this a try it sounds just my kind of thing.
It’s the last episode of The Hairy Bakers on BBC2 at 8:30. Si and Dave get their hands sticky in the world of wedding cakes. They get the lopwdown on chocolate in a Yorkshire patisserie and attend sugar-craft lessons. And, if that isn’t enough to give viewers a heart attack, nothing will be. Let’s have another series from these lads soon.
Tuesday 9 September:
In EastEnders at 7:30 on BBC1 Bradley’s efforts to cement his friendship with Callum cause more problems for Stacey. That poor lass, her entire life seems to have been one big problem. Mind you, she certainly lives in the right place if she's looking for a sympathetic ear. I wonder, is there a self-help group in Walford? Miserablist Anonymous, perhaps? Ian Beale would have to be President (he wanted to be Treasurer, like, but he his family’s too well known for that).
The National Movie Awards – 8:00 ITV – are hosted by Jimmy Nesibtt – not, necessarily, my first pick for an erudite British version of Billy Crystal but, hey, give the lad a chance. Let’s face it, he’s in just about everything else on British telly at the moment so why not this? Then again, this is ITV ladies and gentlemen, the netowrk that thought paying Trinny and Susannah millions of pounds was a good idea. The marginally disappointing fourth Indiana Jones movie, The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! are all up for lots of awards.
And,
lastly tonight, something of a first for Top Telly Tips as I’m recommending a show which features … me! Call the Cops on BBC4 is very good little documentary series, voiced by Marc Warren from Hustle, about selected British crime drama shows of years gone by – it’s made by, basically, the same people who did the excellent BBC4 series The Cult Of … last year. There’s already been three or four episodes of this – including a really very good one on Z Cars and an excellent essay on Between the Lines last week. Tonight they’re covering The Sweeney – the greatest TV show ever made that didn’t have the words ‘Doctor’, ‘West’, ‘Likely’ or ‘Vampire’ in the title somewhere - and, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get to see – probably about twenty seconds of –what some fat, ginger Geordie thought about it. 
SHUT IT! My bits, incidentally, were all filmed in Bethnal Green workingmen’s club. And, trust me, that is every bit as rough and desperate a place as it sounds. Note, please, I was wearing my best shirt during filming - the tasty little black number I picked up in San Diego that makes me look like Johnny Cash ... when he's having a very bad day. Incidentally, I would just like to confirm that, unlike Trinny and Susannah, I do not have a "golden handcuffs" deal with BBC4. Then again, unlike Trinny and Susannah, I haven't been SACKED either. Get your trousers on, girls, you're nicked.
Wednesday 10 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, is Garth Crooks ever going to ask a footballer a question that isn’t half an hour long and, ultimately, rhetorical?
I mentioned Lost in Austen – 9:00 on ITV – last week and the first episode was pretty much what I thought it would be – and very good at that. The two girls (Jemima and Gemma – sounds like an upper middle-class teenage rap duo that, doesn’t it?) are absolutely great in it. And, let’s face it anything that Alison Graham in Radio Times doesn’t like is, usually, worth a few minutes of your time – just on general principle if nothing else. After that wretched woman's snobbish and only semi-literate attack on The Hairy Bakers this week, the Radio Times has just lost a reader of nearly forty years standing. Anyway, back to this - the only downside, really, is Elliot Cowan’s Mr Darcy who is … well, a bit wet, frankly. Not a patch on Colin Firth. But otherwise, top quality all the way. Nice to see ITV producing something with two women in it that isn't banal, lowest-common-demoninator television about frocks and body image. T&S, please take note.
On BBC2
at the same time there’s what looks to be another great bit of drama after last week’s tremendously moving God on Trial. A Number stars Rhys Ifans – who was so great as Peter Cook in that ITV biopic a couple of years back - playing several marginally different roles (a bit like Alec Guinness in Kind Hearts and Coronets) in a story about a man who discovers he is, actually, one of several clones created by his father, played by the great Tom Wilkinson.
Also, I feel it is only fair that since we featured the Olympics so much we should also give a mention to the nightly Paralympics The Games Today show which is on BBC2 at 7:00 each evening. Especially as we’ve got the old Bladerunner himself, Oscar Pistorius out breaking world records on an almost daily basis.
Thursday 11 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, why didn’t Anita Harris ever have that unsightly mole on her top lip removed by cosemtic surgery during the 1970s? Surely she had enough money since she appeared on just about every episode of The Two Ronnies. And, of course, she was on The David Nixon Show too. Why didn’t David just get Sooty to wave his wand and go ‘Izzy wizzy, let’s get busy’ and make it disappear?
Perhaps we’ll never care.
One of my favourite documentary stands on TV, Cutting Edge returns with what looks to be a great and thought-provoking piece at 9 o’clock on Five. Tania Head was thought to be one of only nineteen people who survived the World Trade Center attacks at or above the points of impact. However, in 2007 it was revealed that on 11th September 2001 she was, actually, on holiday in Spain and, upon her return to the US faked her miraculous escape to authorities, friends and family. The film asks why she lied, speaks to genuine 9/11 survivors, Head’s therapist and the family of the genuine dead hero whom she claimed had saved her life asking how the deception affected them. Interesting subject and it looks to be quite sensitively handled.
There’s a new series of Secret Diary of a Call Girl on ITV2 at 10:00. Let’s hope Billie’s managed to sort out which accent she’s doing this time; it should be the vaguely posh one here - and on the Philip Pullman adaptations - and the mockney one when she’s doing Doctor Who. Remember that, love, cos you seemed to forget last time. Alternatively, on BBC3 at 10:30 there’s a rather curious comedy sketch show called The Wrong Door which - from a brief glance at two episodes - can occasionally be quite madly brilliant but, more often than not seems to be just weird for weird’s sake. It’s probably worth half an hour of your time though just to see what you think of it, as some previewers – one or two of whose opinions I, actually, respect - are calling it the next League of Gentlemen or Little Britain. Neither of which I was that big a fan of when they started, interestingly enough!
Friday 12 September:
We continue to ask all the questions no one else dares to.
Today has anyone noticed that horror movies are always full of people struggling to survive A Zombie Apocalypse. What's the point of that? Why not just get bitten and then try to change the system from within? It's much easier and less zombies have to die in the long run.
I mentioned Harry and Paul - 9:00 BBC1 - last week and, to be honest, it was more in hope than expectation as their last two series really haven’t been up to much. Well, forget that, last week’s episode was just about the best thing they’ve done since their mid-90s heyday. In particular there was a football-manager sketch with Paul Whitehouse giving his half-time team talk in about eight different languages (including Swahili tribal song) that had me rolling on the floor, laughing like a veritable cliché. The Princes of Comedy have returned from their long and bitter exile! Let there be rejoicing throughout the land!
Saturday:
Strictly
Come Dancing is back on BBC1 for the next fifteen weeks – you might have noticed dear old Len Goodman on The ONE Show on Monday plugging it. And, getting somewhat flirty with that saucy little minx Christine who is, of course, one of the contestants in the forthcoming series (much to Big Adrian's obvious amusement). Other celebs donning their dancing shoes include Gary Rhodes, Phil Daniels ("Oi!"), rugby player Austin Healey and Jodie Kidd. Place your bets. Brucie and Tess introduced as ever.
It’s also the Live Winner's Finale of Maestro over on BBC2 (8:00). Please note, this previewer did suggest - right back at the start - that Goldie and Sue Perkins looked to be the best of the competing bunch and they we’re two of the three finalists. Remember that when Sue's conducting the BBC Concert Orchestra and earache-inducing soloist Lesley Garrett (who always sounds to me like a hamster's just run up her arse when she's squealing ... sorry, 'singing') in front of an audience of 30,000 at The Proms in the Park. No pressure, Suzie.
For my next Nostradamus-like prediction, the 4:40 at Chepstow will be won by a horse. Probably.
Sunday 14 September:
On Sunday,
the Beeb and ITV go head-to-head in the “Classy Costume Drama” department. The BBC’s offering is a four-part adaptation of Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles starring the gorgeous Gemma Arterton – currently giving it the works at swooning in Lost in Austen and soon to be a Bond girl in Quantum of Solace. Will she be as maddeningly alluring in this as Nastassja Kinski in the Roman Polanski movie version? Let’s watch it and find out.
Alternatively on ITV there’s the return of David Suchet in my mother’s second favourite show (after Midsomner Murders of course) Agatha Christie’s Poirot. Or, if a bald Belgian solving crime isn't your bag, you could watch Robert DeNiro and Jean Reno crashing into every car in Paris in the movie Ronin on Five! Spoiled for choice, really…
Monday 15 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, has anyone ever never met a poor bookmaker?
I backed a horse at twenty to one. It came in at ten to four.
Nah, lishun…
Corrie’s had some heartbreaking moments over the years – from Elsie Tanner leaving and the deaths of Harry Hewitt, Alf Roberts and Mike Baldwin to Len Fairclough chinning Ken Barlow for being a stuck up know-all … Actually, that wasn’t hearthbreaking at all. Anyway tonight, get ready for another one as Mel puts job before family and arrests her mother for attempted murder after overhearing Jerry Copper's Narking on her. Mind you, that Teresa she makes Cilla Battersby look like Florence Nightingale by comparison.
Dispatches – 8:00 on Channel 4 – is usually good at scaring the pants off people and tonight in What’s in Your Wine a nation of pretentious tipplers with be reaching for the spit-bucket as Jane Moore investigates how a significant number of reds and whites are enhanced by sweeteners. And, how some of the Champagne region's most select vineyards use chemical fertiliser instead of, you know, horse shit. Well, that’s the last bottle of Möet I’m buying. I’ll stick to the finest Krug in future.
Lastly, President Hollywood – 9:00 BBC4
– looks at the parellels between the current US Presidential race and various TV and movie depictions of American politics over the years, specifically one of my favourites, The West Wing. (The greatest TV show ever made that doesn't feature the words 'Doctor', 'Sweeney', 'Likely' or 'Vampire' in the title.) Or, if you prefer something less, you know, good there’s Ross Kemp on Gangs on Sky One which sees Ross investigating drug-gangs in Belize. Is it too much to hope that the authorities will arrest him on general principle and keep him there helping the police with their enquries for a year or two so we don't have to put up with any more of this appalling nonsense for a while?
Tuesday 16 September:
In EastEnders - 7:30 BBC1 - Max makes a shocking revelation to Tanya. Yes, he really is a slaphead. Well, face it she had to find out sooner or later, I mean, it was getting harder and harder to cover up.
Hollyoaks – 6:30 on Channel 4 – is the one soap we tend not to cover very much on Top Telly Tips. Because, frankly, there’s not all that much to say about it. It’s just kind … there, you know? The actors and plots aren’t bad, but they are both rather forgettable. However, there’s a wedding tonight – Calvin’s marrying Carmel (no, me neither...) – and soap weddings are usually quite popular. Remember though, in Soapsville, there’s no such thing as happily ever after.
There’s a very special occasion on the first Later … With Jools Holland of the new season (9:00
BBC2), Paul McCartney and Youth – ex of Killing Joke – have collaborated on a couple of rather nice ambient dance CDs as The Firemen. Tonight they’re making what I think is their first ever live appearance. And lastly, if you haven’t got to go to work tomorrow and fancy staying up way beyond the midnight hour, the BBC are showing one of the greatest comedy movies ever, Pete and Dud in Bedazzled. Watch Peter Cook at his 100% mod-coolest as The Devil singing the title song and undestand, instantly, where Radiohead got pretty much all their ideas from.
Wednesday 17 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, why is it that in Cinderella, when everything the Fairy Godmother changed reverts back to their normal state at midnight, the glass slipper doesn’t?
Flaw in the plot, that.
A proof-reader should have picked that up on first draft.
Dawn …
Gets Naked (9:00 on BBC2) is a series which sees journalist Dawn Porter exploring the nature of all things female. Tonight, Dawn spends some time with a group of naturalists and then visits a burlesque show (well, we've all done it) to discover more about body image and our seeming reticence to get our kit off with other people watching. 
In an attempt to change reserved British attitudes towards the concept of nakedness Dawn organises what she hopes will be Britain’s ultimate "female falsh mob." Well, mark me down as a potential viewer for that, ladies and gentlemen. Anything, in the cause of progress.
If nakedness isn’t your bag, Channel 4 have decided to get in on the current trend of “bringing back successful formats from the past cos they can't think of anything new to make that doesn't have the word 'celebrity' in it” with the documentary series The Family. This is, of course, a revival of the groundbreaking and influential 1974 fly-on-the-wall series about the Wilkins family of Reading without which, we’d never’ve had ... well Big Brother, for one. The 2008 victims, sorry volunteers, are the Hughes family from Canterbury. Get ready for eight weeks of traumas, tantrums and tears. Should be rather good.
Or, you may prefer David Suchet – whom we talked about last week in relation to Poirot – on Who Do You Think You Are? (9:00, BBC1) as the actor embarks on a trans-European quest to solve some mysteries in his family history. Always involving and seldom anything less than fascinating, this show. I think that's the one for me, tonight.
Thursday 18 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, vanilla essence is black and yet vanilla ice cream is white. What’s that all about?
ITV yet again comes up with easily the best title of the week by a street and a half - Ann Widdecombe Versus Girl Gangs at 9:00.
Now, I reckon my money’s going to be the girl gangs. I mean, Big Ann IS a pretty formidable lady in any ten-round-type-situation but, let’s face it, the longer it goes on there’s more of them than her and ... Oh, apparently, I am informed that this isn't some varient on Celebrity Wrestling which I'd imagined it to be but, rather, it is "a serious study of some of Britain's problems through the eyes of a concerned citizen." Or, through the eyes of Mad Ann Widdecombe, anyway. Ann's solution to this problem, of course, appears to be "giving them all a jolly good smacked bottom." Mind you, that would seem to be pretty much Ann's solution to most things - both in politics and, indeed, in life: You know, industrial relations, foreign policy, how to deal with drug addicts, boundary disputes with your neighbour, queuing up at the Post Office for a stamp with all the stinking dole-y Scum, how to show waitresses in restaurants who's boss, the problem of uppity TV previewers taking the piss, etc. What on Earth goes on in that decidedly odd woman's mind? Our artist's impression merely speculates upon one possible scenario. The truth is, perhaps, even stranger.
If, on the other hand, you fancy a rather more serious TV investigation into something that affects us all - and that isn't the product of the darker corners of the brain on a former Tory MP - Cutting Edge (9:00 Channel 4) follows a month in the life of an ambulence and its crew as they try to achieve their target of reaching 75% of life-threatening calls within eight minutes. The paramedics on board must deal with everything from binge drinkers to suicide attempts and hoax calls. Nobody tell Ann Widdecombe, please. There's no telling who might end up over her knee begging for mercy.
Northern Eye
is a great little series tucked away in a stupidly late slot (11:40, ITV). Tonight, a tribute of the late Tyneside comedian the Little Waster himself Bobby Thompson. “Ah got in a taxi in London; ah sez t’the bloke 'Waterloo.' He sez 'The stayyyyshon?' Ah sez 'I’m ower-late for the battle'!” Tremendous. Hey, Tyne Tees, can you think about putting stuff like this on a bit earlier when people other than insomniacs can actually see it. You know, normal people. With jobs and everything.
Top Telly Tips will return later in the month.
It's that time of the month again.But enough about my problems ...
Let us begin our look back at the first half of this month - one of rain and misery - as we mean to go on; with a very nice picture of the divine Julia Bradbury to brighten up all our lives.
Is everybody a bit happier now? Good, then let's have some Top Telly previews:
Monday 1 September:
On Coronation Street – 7:30 ITV – Gail is concerned that Tina will uncover her romantic secret. And, will Teresa’s poisoning of Jerry be revealed to all during a family gathering? Meanwhile, Roy discovers that when it comes to the café Vernon isn’t a patch on Becky. Or, indeed, outside the café come to that.
Robson Green sails the seven seas, just like Echo & the Bunnymen did through the medium of superior pop music, except he's in search of the world’s most elusive marine creatures in Extreme Fishing with Robson Green - Five at 9:00 - which profiles the hottest fishing destinations around the globe. Wor Robson embarks on a trip of colossal proportions (it says here) attempting to land some of the wildest sea creatures in the world. His first port of call is Costa Rica, where he will try to realise a lifelong dream of catching ‘the fastest fish in the water’ (and a near relative of the deadly piranha). The thievin' Geordie bastard! He'll be after the King's Mangoes next, you just watch. Off to Tyburn, with him. Bless him, Robson's dead enthusiastic about his subject and the show isn't any near as bad as the title might suggest. However, Five clearly believe they've hit on a theme here so next week we can probably expect Hot Air Ballooning with Jerome Flynn followed by Flower Arranging with Arthur Mullard and Giant Haystacks’ Badger Watch.
The Children – ITV 9:00 – is a tense - and rather topical - three-part drama starring Kevin Whately and Lesley Sharp. When the body of an eight-year-old girl is discovered in a family garden, the complex and emotional chain of events which lead up to her death begins to emerge. Six months earlier, three couples embarked on a series of exciting new relationships, blissfully unaware of the tragic consequences in store for all of them.
Tuesday 2 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, why can’t you have a bath in the bathroom of most public facilities?
I’m against it, me.
Billy fights to save his marriage on EastEnders at 8:00 while Phil comes under mounting pressure from Suzy. That will, no doubt, cheer him up. And Max stumbles upon some incriminating evidence. Meanwhile Jack, Tanya and girls get back from holiday just as Ronnie reappears. It’s unlikely, however, that she’s turned up just to see if they’ve brought her back some tacky souvenier from their trip - like a key-ring or something. Don't you just hate getting cheap-crap like that when people you know have been away on holiday. Bring me a T-shirt or something or, you know, don't bother with anything, but not a sodding key-ring.
Davina McCall hosts a special live double eviction show of Big Brother at 8:00 on Channel 4. Is anybody actually still watching this? The ratings are going down the tube, fast. How fast you may ask? I shall tell you. Faster than Usain Bolt. Faster than Chris Hoy on a bike going down our street. If you’re still watching, and enjoying it, good on you but you seem to be in a minority of not-a-lot at the moment. Don’t blink or you might miss its demise.
I
mentioned Mutual Friends last week and it’s looking pretty good so far. In case you missed it, this is comedy drama following the lives of a group of old friends – it’s a little bit arch at times and has a very middle class view of life but it also has some really funny things to say about relationships in the 21st Century. Tonight Patrick tries to help Martin cope with his marital problems by subjecting him to an energetic reintroduction to the life of a single man, with vigorous mountain bike-riding, rounds of golf and marathon computer games sessions - fuelled by a diet of pizza and beer. Sounds like a good Friday night in round my drum, that. Great cast and quite funny, what more could you ask for?Wednesday 3 September:
Lost in Austen – 9:00 on ITV - looks set to do for the Victorian romance novel what Life on Mars did for the cop show.
Disillusioned modern girl Amanda Price 'swaps' her life for that of Jane Austen's celebrated heroine, Elizabeth Bennet. Trapped in an unfolding fiction, Amanda must try to the stop events in the book derailing, as her presence in the characters' lives sets other episodes in motion. Two of my favourite actresses star in the lead roles - Jemima Rooper who took the Jenny Agutter part in the last remake of The Railway Children and was then in Hex on Sky and had grown up all goth and dangerous and Gemma Arterton who was in the recent St Trinians remake and is also in the forthcoming Bond movie. Alex Kingston, Lindsay Duncan and Hugh Bonnerville also feature (the latter, presumably, hoping that everyone’s forgotten Bonekickers already).On BBC2 at the same time there’s God on Trial, a thought-provoking drama about a group of Auschwitz prisoners who demand to know the exact nature of a God who can allow so much suffering to good people. They attempt to settle their dispute by putting God on trial, knowing that half of them will be sent to the gas chamber and that they, therefore, have only one day to reach a verdict. Powerful, dignified and emotive stuff with a great cast, lead by Anthony Sher and Rupert Graves.
Lastly a quick mention of the star of a new series of Medium, the popular supernatural crime series starring Patricia Arquette on BBC1 at 10:45. Sometimes this can be really very good indeed – clever, dark and very scary. Sometimes, though, it’s just lumpen, plot-heavy and manipulative nonsense. But the best episodes are worth putting up with a lot of needless tear-jerking for and Patricia herself is great in this.
Thursday 4 September:
The Great Italian Escape – 8:30 C4 – is a series following the lives of Richard and Sarah Turnbull, who emigrated from the UK to Tuscany. Nice! The Turnbulls live in a picturesque but rundown farmhouse set in five acres of olive groves in the idyllic hills of Pescia, east of Pisa. I repeat, nice! Richard and Sarah reveal the harsh truth of running their own holiday lets business while helping another family prepare to open the doors of their lovingly-restored farmhouse. Ah… not so nice. But still, the scenery. And the wine. And the cruisine. And the climate. Nice!
Last week’s episode of Mock the Week – 9:00 BBC2 – was the best in a couple of years.
I’m not sure what was most impressive, Hugh Dennis’s tale be being knocked over by a white van driven by two Chinamen ("Ah, it's him from My Hero. He can fly in that show!") or Frankie Boyle telling Paula Radcliffe to look on the bright side, if she was a racehorse she’d’ve been shot by now. Tonight Wor Luscious Lovely Lauren Laverne joins the the teams which would be reason enough to watch it even if it was, otherwise, rubbish. Which, fortunately, it isn't. Not even close. Dara O'Briain hosts with his usual pithy genius. If you've never seen this before ... then where the Hell have you been? It's currently in its sixth season. But, just supposing you've been on, say, The Moon then it's kind of a cross between Have I Got News For You? and Whose Line Is It Anyway? with the bit of Qi thrown in. Skill.A reality series hosted by Steve Jones, When Women Rule the World – 10:00 C4 – sees eight feisty females put in charge of ten macho males and challenged to create their own utopia on a beautiful Caribbean island. In every episode one man will be exiled from the island, with the last remaining man winning 30,000 pounds. In this first episode the women must decide among themselves who will be their queen - whilst the men, presumably, watch. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, someone somewhere did, indeed, get PAID to come up with the concept for rubbish like this. Probably more than you’ll earn in five years. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Friday 5 September:
We continue to ask all the questions no one else dares to.
Today if, as the Book of Revelation suggests, Armageddon is entirely pre-ordained then what, exactly, is the Devil fighting over if he already knows he’s going to lose in the end?
I’m just curious…
Tonight sees the return of Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse for their new sketch show – Harry and Paul, 9:00 on BBC1.
The last series wasn’t all that hot although they did at least introduce one genuinely brilliant pair of new characters - the Posh Scaffolders - who are back in this series along with many new characters. I saw a clip the other day of a Whicker’s World-type sketch where they’re on an island inhabited by a tribe of Jeremy Clarksons. It looks like the best thing they’ve done since that aliens sktech in 1991! TREEEEEE!Saturday 6 September:
Thanks to the massive
success of Strictly Come Dancing and its several international variants, we now have “the second annual” Eurovision Dance Contest (BBC1 8:00) live, from Glasgow, the home of the Paso Doble, at least according to Billy Connolly. EastEnders’ Louisa Lytton and Vincent Simone represent Britain. Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman host and Len Goodman does the commentary. But, since when was Azerbaijan - one of the other competing nations - in Europe?! Somebody get these people an Atlas.Sunday 7 September:
Antiques Roadshow – 8:00 BBC1 – isn’t a show
I’ve often featured on Top Telly Tips but there’s an actual reason to watch it now besides the occasionally brilliant bit of cynical humour as somebody is told that the ‘absolutely priceless’ family antique they have (but couldn’t possibly sell … but, just as a matter of couriosity, how much – exactly - is it worth?) is, in fact, a lump of old mass-produced tat. The Thinking Fortysomething’s Totty, Fiona Bruce, takes over as presenter. Lovely. A national treasure, indeed.And, speaking of marvellous and classy mature posh birds, Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights – 9:00 BBC1 – sees Joanna travelling to the far north of Norway to see one of the great wonders of nature, the spectacular aurora borealis. I hope she has better luck than I did when I tried to do the same thing.
The travel company I was supposed to be going with went bust and I never got to go. Joanna is charmed by the Norwegian people and their tales of life in the far north, its myths and legends, and their experiences of the borealis itself. She visits the remote fishing town of Å (Eh? No, Å … with an ‘a’ … and one of them little circle-y things above it), spends a night inside an igloo hotel and meets the reindeer herdsmen of the Sami, Europe's last indigenous people (remember them from Reindeer Girls last year?) where she receives a snowmobile riding lesson from a four-year-old boy. Sounds utterly tremendous. Mark me down for a night in with a Fiona/Joanna sandwich. And a curry.Lastly, a quick mention of Monday afternoon’s episode of Doctors – 1:45 BBC1 – yes, I know it’s on opposite the radio show that I work on and we don’t usually highlight the oppositon but this one is written by one of my best friends and my former writing partner, the great Martin Day. So, if you can’t tear yourself away from Alfie for half an hour - and, let’s face it, who on Earth can? – set your videos or DVD recorders … or, you know, them Sky+ things that I don’t know how to work properly. He’s a good writer is Marty, so if you watch nothing else I recommend this week trust me on this one! Have I ever let you down before? Okay, ignore Bonekickers before you answer that question...
Monday 8 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, if ifs and ands were pots and pans there’d be no work for tinkers? Eh? Run that one by me again? Surely, if there were more pots and pans in the world then there’d be more guys needed to mend broken ones? Cause and effect and all that ...
There’s been a fair few shocks in Corrie recently, what with Ken getting busted last week an everything. Tonight Liam is furious when he learns that Carla has become his new partner in the business. I think Alison King, who plays Carla, is about the best thing in Corrie at the moment. It’s those little sideways glances she keeps giving, as if she’s expecting Michael Aspel to jump out from being a pillar with the big red book.
As an alternative to Weatherfield, some of our listening chaps may prefer Top Trumps on Five at 7:30. Robert Llewelyan (ex of Red Dwarf) and Ashley Hames go head-to-head in a series of challenges based on the popular card game of the 1970s. Tonight, yachts. Yeah, this looks like another laddish Top Gear clone but, it’s a rather fun idea and it taps nicely into that kind of gentle nostalgia thing for the 70s that a lot of TV shows have got going for them at the moment post Life on Mars - I might give this a try it sounds just my kind of thing.
It’s the last episode of The Hairy Bakers on BBC2 at 8:30. Si and Dave get their hands sticky in the world of wedding cakes. They get the lopwdown on chocolate in a Yorkshire patisserie and attend sugar-craft lessons. And, if that isn’t enough to give viewers a heart attack, nothing will be. Let’s have another series from these lads soon.
Tuesday 9 September:
In EastEnders at 7:30 on BBC1 Bradley’s efforts to cement his friendship with Callum cause more problems for Stacey. That poor lass, her entire life seems to have been one big problem. Mind you, she certainly lives in the right place if she's looking for a sympathetic ear. I wonder, is there a self-help group in Walford? Miserablist Anonymous, perhaps? Ian Beale would have to be President (he wanted to be Treasurer, like, but he his family’s too well known for that).
The National Movie Awards – 8:00 ITV – are hosted by Jimmy Nesibtt – not, necessarily, my first pick for an erudite British version of Billy Crystal but, hey, give the lad a chance. Let’s face it, he’s in just about everything else on British telly at the moment so why not this? Then again, this is ITV ladies and gentlemen, the netowrk that thought paying Trinny and Susannah millions of pounds was a good idea. The marginally disappointing fourth Indiana Jones movie, The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! are all up for lots of awards.
And,
lastly tonight, something of a first for Top Telly Tips as I’m recommending a show which features … me! Call the Cops on BBC4 is very good little documentary series, voiced by Marc Warren from Hustle, about selected British crime drama shows of years gone by – it’s made by, basically, the same people who did the excellent BBC4 series The Cult Of … last year. There’s already been three or four episodes of this – including a really very good one on Z Cars and an excellent essay on Between the Lines last week. Tonight they’re covering The Sweeney – the greatest TV show ever made that didn’t have the words ‘Doctor’, ‘West’, ‘Likely’ or ‘Vampire’ in the title somewhere - and, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get to see – probably about twenty seconds of –what some fat, ginger Geordie thought about it. 
SHUT IT! My bits, incidentally, were all filmed in Bethnal Green workingmen’s club. And, trust me, that is every bit as rough and desperate a place as it sounds. Note, please, I was wearing my best shirt during filming - the tasty little black number I picked up in San Diego that makes me look like Johnny Cash ... when he's having a very bad day. Incidentally, I would just like to confirm that, unlike Trinny and Susannah, I do not have a "golden handcuffs" deal with BBC4. Then again, unlike Trinny and Susannah, I haven't been SACKED either. Get your trousers on, girls, you're nicked.Wednesday 10 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, is Garth Crooks ever going to ask a footballer a question that isn’t half an hour long and, ultimately, rhetorical?
I mentioned Lost in Austen – 9:00 on ITV – last week and the first episode was pretty much what I thought it would be – and very good at that. The two girls (Jemima and Gemma – sounds like an upper middle-class teenage rap duo that, doesn’t it?) are absolutely great in it. And, let’s face it anything that Alison Graham in Radio Times doesn’t like is, usually, worth a few minutes of your time – just on general principle if nothing else. After that wretched woman's snobbish and only semi-literate attack on The Hairy Bakers this week, the Radio Times has just lost a reader of nearly forty years standing. Anyway, back to this - the only downside, really, is Elliot Cowan’s Mr Darcy who is … well, a bit wet, frankly. Not a patch on Colin Firth. But otherwise, top quality all the way. Nice to see ITV producing something with two women in it that isn't banal, lowest-common-demoninator television about frocks and body image. T&S, please take note.
On BBC2
at the same time there’s what looks to be another great bit of drama after last week’s tremendously moving God on Trial. A Number stars Rhys Ifans – who was so great as Peter Cook in that ITV biopic a couple of years back - playing several marginally different roles (a bit like Alec Guinness in Kind Hearts and Coronets) in a story about a man who discovers he is, actually, one of several clones created by his father, played by the great Tom Wilkinson.Also, I feel it is only fair that since we featured the Olympics so much we should also give a mention to the nightly Paralympics The Games Today show which is on BBC2 at 7:00 each evening. Especially as we’ve got the old Bladerunner himself, Oscar Pistorius out breaking world records on an almost daily basis.
Thursday 11 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, why didn’t Anita Harris ever have that unsightly mole on her top lip removed by cosemtic surgery during the 1970s? Surely she had enough money since she appeared on just about every episode of The Two Ronnies. And, of course, she was on The David Nixon Show too. Why didn’t David just get Sooty to wave his wand and go ‘Izzy wizzy, let’s get busy’ and make it disappear?
Perhaps we’ll never care.
One of my favourite documentary stands on TV, Cutting Edge returns with what looks to be a great and thought-provoking piece at 9 o’clock on Five. Tania Head was thought to be one of only nineteen people who survived the World Trade Center attacks at or above the points of impact. However, in 2007 it was revealed that on 11th September 2001 she was, actually, on holiday in Spain and, upon her return to the US faked her miraculous escape to authorities, friends and family. The film asks why she lied, speaks to genuine 9/11 survivors, Head’s therapist and the family of the genuine dead hero whom she claimed had saved her life asking how the deception affected them. Interesting subject and it looks to be quite sensitively handled.
There’s a new series of Secret Diary of a Call Girl on ITV2 at 10:00. Let’s hope Billie’s managed to sort out which accent she’s doing this time; it should be the vaguely posh one here - and on the Philip Pullman adaptations - and the mockney one when she’s doing Doctor Who. Remember that, love, cos you seemed to forget last time. Alternatively, on BBC3 at 10:30 there’s a rather curious comedy sketch show called The Wrong Door which - from a brief glance at two episodes - can occasionally be quite madly brilliant but, more often than not seems to be just weird for weird’s sake. It’s probably worth half an hour of your time though just to see what you think of it, as some previewers – one or two of whose opinions I, actually, respect - are calling it the next League of Gentlemen or Little Britain. Neither of which I was that big a fan of when they started, interestingly enough!
Friday 12 September:
We continue to ask all the questions no one else dares to.
Today has anyone noticed that horror movies are always full of people struggling to survive A Zombie Apocalypse. What's the point of that? Why not just get bitten and then try to change the system from within? It's much easier and less zombies have to die in the long run.
I mentioned Harry and Paul - 9:00 BBC1 - last week and, to be honest, it was more in hope than expectation as their last two series really haven’t been up to much. Well, forget that, last week’s episode was just about the best thing they’ve done since their mid-90s heyday. In particular there was a football-manager sketch with Paul Whitehouse giving his half-time team talk in about eight different languages (including Swahili tribal song) that had me rolling on the floor, laughing like a veritable cliché. The Princes of Comedy have returned from their long and bitter exile! Let there be rejoicing throughout the land!
Saturday:
Strictly
Come Dancing is back on BBC1 for the next fifteen weeks – you might have noticed dear old Len Goodman on The ONE Show on Monday plugging it. And, getting somewhat flirty with that saucy little minx Christine who is, of course, one of the contestants in the forthcoming series (much to Big Adrian's obvious amusement). Other celebs donning their dancing shoes include Gary Rhodes, Phil Daniels ("Oi!"), rugby player Austin Healey and Jodie Kidd. Place your bets. Brucie and Tess introduced as ever.It’s also the Live Winner's Finale of Maestro over on BBC2 (8:00). Please note, this previewer did suggest - right back at the start - that Goldie and Sue Perkins looked to be the best of the competing bunch and they we’re two of the three finalists. Remember that when Sue's conducting the BBC Concert Orchestra and earache-inducing soloist Lesley Garrett (who always sounds to me like a hamster's just run up her arse when she's squealing ... sorry, 'singing') in front of an audience of 30,000 at The Proms in the Park. No pressure, Suzie.
For my next Nostradamus-like prediction, the 4:40 at Chepstow will be won by a horse. Probably.
Sunday 14 September:
On Sunday,
the Beeb and ITV go head-to-head in the “Classy Costume Drama” department. The BBC’s offering is a four-part adaptation of Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles starring the gorgeous Gemma Arterton – currently giving it the works at swooning in Lost in Austen and soon to be a Bond girl in Quantum of Solace. Will she be as maddeningly alluring in this as Nastassja Kinski in the Roman Polanski movie version? Let’s watch it and find out.Alternatively on ITV there’s the return of David Suchet in my mother’s second favourite show (after Midsomner Murders of course) Agatha Christie’s Poirot. Or, if a bald Belgian solving crime isn't your bag, you could watch Robert DeNiro and Jean Reno crashing into every car in Paris in the movie Ronin on Five! Spoiled for choice, really…
Monday 15 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, has anyone ever never met a poor bookmaker?
I backed a horse at twenty to one. It came in at ten to four.
Nah, lishun…
Corrie’s had some heartbreaking moments over the years – from Elsie Tanner leaving and the deaths of Harry Hewitt, Alf Roberts and Mike Baldwin to Len Fairclough chinning Ken Barlow for being a stuck up know-all … Actually, that wasn’t hearthbreaking at all. Anyway tonight, get ready for another one as Mel puts job before family and arrests her mother for attempted murder after overhearing Jerry Copper's Narking on her. Mind you, that Teresa she makes Cilla Battersby look like Florence Nightingale by comparison.
Dispatches – 8:00 on Channel 4 – is usually good at scaring the pants off people and tonight in What’s in Your Wine a nation of pretentious tipplers with be reaching for the spit-bucket as Jane Moore investigates how a significant number of reds and whites are enhanced by sweeteners. And, how some of the Champagne region's most select vineyards use chemical fertiliser instead of, you know, horse shit. Well, that’s the last bottle of Möet I’m buying. I’ll stick to the finest Krug in future.
Lastly, President Hollywood – 9:00 BBC4
– looks at the parellels between the current US Presidential race and various TV and movie depictions of American politics over the years, specifically one of my favourites, The West Wing. (The greatest TV show ever made that doesn't feature the words 'Doctor', 'Sweeney', 'Likely' or 'Vampire' in the title.) Or, if you prefer something less, you know, good there’s Ross Kemp on Gangs on Sky One which sees Ross investigating drug-gangs in Belize. Is it too much to hope that the authorities will arrest him on general principle and keep him there helping the police with their enquries for a year or two so we don't have to put up with any more of this appalling nonsense for a while?Tuesday 16 September:
In EastEnders - 7:30 BBC1 - Max makes a shocking revelation to Tanya. Yes, he really is a slaphead. Well, face it she had to find out sooner or later, I mean, it was getting harder and harder to cover up.
Hollyoaks – 6:30 on Channel 4 – is the one soap we tend not to cover very much on Top Telly Tips. Because, frankly, there’s not all that much to say about it. It’s just kind … there, you know? The actors and plots aren’t bad, but they are both rather forgettable. However, there’s a wedding tonight – Calvin’s marrying Carmel (no, me neither...) – and soap weddings are usually quite popular. Remember though, in Soapsville, there’s no such thing as happily ever after.
There’s a very special occasion on the first Later … With Jools Holland of the new season (9:00
BBC2), Paul McCartney and Youth – ex of Killing Joke – have collaborated on a couple of rather nice ambient dance CDs as The Firemen. Tonight they’re making what I think is their first ever live appearance. And lastly, if you haven’t got to go to work tomorrow and fancy staying up way beyond the midnight hour, the BBC are showing one of the greatest comedy movies ever, Pete and Dud in Bedazzled. Watch Peter Cook at his 100% mod-coolest as The Devil singing the title song and undestand, instantly, where Radiohead got pretty much all their ideas from.Wednesday 17 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, why is it that in Cinderella, when everything the Fairy Godmother changed reverts back to their normal state at midnight, the glass slipper doesn’t?
Flaw in the plot, that.
A proof-reader should have picked that up on first draft.
Dawn …
Gets Naked (9:00 on BBC2) is a series which sees journalist Dawn Porter exploring the nature of all things female. Tonight, Dawn spends some time with a group of naturalists and then visits a burlesque show (well, we've all done it) to discover more about body image and our seeming reticence to get our kit off with other people watching. 
In an attempt to change reserved British attitudes towards the concept of nakedness Dawn organises what she hopes will be Britain’s ultimate "female falsh mob." Well, mark me down as a potential viewer for that, ladies and gentlemen. Anything, in the cause of progress.If nakedness isn’t your bag, Channel 4 have decided to get in on the current trend of “bringing back successful formats from the past cos they can't think of anything new to make that doesn't have the word 'celebrity' in it” with the documentary series The Family. This is, of course, a revival of the groundbreaking and influential 1974 fly-on-the-wall series about the Wilkins family of Reading without which, we’d never’ve had ... well Big Brother, for one. The 2008 victims, sorry volunteers, are the Hughes family from Canterbury. Get ready for eight weeks of traumas, tantrums and tears. Should be rather good.
Or, you may prefer David Suchet – whom we talked about last week in relation to Poirot – on Who Do You Think You Are? (9:00, BBC1) as the actor embarks on a trans-European quest to solve some mysteries in his family history. Always involving and seldom anything less than fascinating, this show. I think that's the one for me, tonight.
Thursday 18 September:
We continue to ask the questions no one else dares to.
Today, vanilla essence is black and yet vanilla ice cream is white. What’s that all about?
ITV yet again comes up with easily the best title of the week by a street and a half - Ann Widdecombe Versus Girl Gangs at 9:00.
Now, I reckon my money’s going to be the girl gangs. I mean, Big Ann IS a pretty formidable lady in any ten-round-type-situation but, let’s face it, the longer it goes on there’s more of them than her and ... Oh, apparently, I am informed that this isn't some varient on Celebrity Wrestling which I'd imagined it to be but, rather, it is "a serious study of some of Britain's problems through the eyes of a concerned citizen." Or, through the eyes of Mad Ann Widdecombe, anyway. Ann's solution to this problem, of course, appears to be "giving them all a jolly good smacked bottom." Mind you, that would seem to be pretty much Ann's solution to most things - both in politics and, indeed, in life: You know, industrial relations, foreign policy, how to deal with drug addicts, boundary disputes with your neighbour, queuing up at the Post Office for a stamp with all the stinking dole-y Scum, how to show waitresses in restaurants who's boss, the problem of uppity TV previewers taking the piss, etc. What on Earth goes on in that decidedly odd woman's mind? Our artist's impression merely speculates upon one possible scenario. The truth is, perhaps, even stranger.If, on the other hand, you fancy a rather more serious TV investigation into something that affects us all - and that isn't the product of the darker corners of the brain on a former Tory MP - Cutting Edge (9:00 Channel 4) follows a month in the life of an ambulence and its crew as they try to achieve their target of reaching 75% of life-threatening calls within eight minutes. The paramedics on board must deal with everything from binge drinkers to suicide attempts and hoax calls. Nobody tell Ann Widdecombe, please. There's no telling who might end up over her knee begging for mercy.
Northern Eye
is a great little series tucked away in a stupidly late slot (11:40, ITV). Tonight, a tribute of the late Tyneside comedian the Little Waster himself Bobby Thompson. “Ah got in a taxi in London; ah sez t’the bloke 'Waterloo.' He sez 'The stayyyyshon?' Ah sez 'I’m ower-late for the battle'!” Tremendous. Hey, Tyne Tees, can you think about putting stuff like this on a bit earlier when people other than insomniacs can actually see it. You know, normal people. With jobs and everything.Top Telly Tips will return later in the month.
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